Hindsight
by Adamantwrites
Summary: Adam finds that he is discontent in his marriage to Laura Dayton and temptation to wander may be too strong for him to resist. My disclaimer: This is not non-canonical behavior as Adam was never in the situation in which I have placed him. Please recall that in "The Triangle," Adam tells Laura that he never really believed it would work out between them.
1. Chapter 1

Hindsight

Part 1

"I keep remembering your telling me that if I wasn't sure, to back out—better than going through life with the wrong woman—but I was so sure that Laura was the right one." Adam sat on the low table and gazed into the fire. He hadn't even bothered taking off his jacket or gun belt but his hat lay on the chair next to him.

"Adam," Ben said as he leaned forward in his chair, "I think that everyone in any marriage-any marriage that goes on for a few years—doubts if they've made the right choice. I understand how…" Ben realized that he wasn't getting through to Adam. He wanted Adam to know that he supported him, had noticed that for the past two years, Adam's marriage to Laura had been strained but there were other things to consider; a person couldn't be selfish and think only of their own wants and needs. "Adam, I love Laura and Peggy both and I'm pleased that you're married and have your own home, your own corner of the Ponderosa, but sometimes, we just have to give up what we think is the ideal of being happy and just live life. I mean really, what is happy anyway?"

Adam laughed disdainfully. "I can't say, Pa, but I can tell you what unhappiness is; I'm a walking definition."

"Give things time, Adam. Life changes, circumstances change and…"

"You don't understand, Pa, because I haven't told you everything…" Adam sighed heavily. "I've been discontented with my marriage and with Laura since the moment I said 'I do,' went to kiss her and she pulled away. It was slight, almost imperceptible but I knew it and she saw in my eyes that I knew she didn't want me and it's been like that since. I haven't felt love…no, that's wrong. I haven't felt desire for Laura in quite a long time and she certainly hasn't encouraged me to. I do love her though but she…in a way, I think she's happy that she doesn't have to deal with me and all the messy aspects of marriage and I thought I could settle for our life being that way—more like friends, both wanting the same things for Peggy, the same things in life. I mean the older a man gets, the less important things like physical intimacy become, right? Tenderness and affection—that's more important than passion. That's what everyone thinks, that's what the pastor told me when I talked to him. But I can't believe that it has to be that way and I try but I don't know how to make things better. I really do try. Every day I try."

Ben leaned back into his chair and rubbed his forehead. It was as he had suspected; Adam had made a mistake when he married Laura but a man had to live with his mistakes and make the best of them, especially when other people were as crucially involved as Peggy was.

Just last week, Laura confided in Ben after Sunday dinner that for months now, Adam had been distant and morose and had been leaving the house many evenings. He claimed that he was feeling suffocated by the confines of walls and needed to be out in the open. He would be gone for an hour or so, not long enough to go to town and back so she said that Adam must just be out riding or going to the lake as he was wont to do when he was upset and thinking. Laura said that if she asked Adam where he had been and what he had been doing, an argument would erupt and he would sleep in the spare room or just leave again to sleep in a line shack. Laura asked Ben what she should do and he had told her not to worry—he was sure it would pass. They were all under stress; beef prices had dropped and the Ponderosa was looking at a loss this year and things didn't look too good for the next. And then Ben had patted her arm and said that he would talk to Adam.

Laura had smiled and Ben noticed the tears welling in her eyes. Ben told her that time was all that Adam needed—just time. But Ben hadn't convinced himself—just Laura.

"Adam," Ben said, sitting forward again, "there's not another woman, is there?"

Adam smiled again. "I wish there were. That's the worst part—there's no one else. I need to make my marriage the best situation—it was my choice and I knew what Laura was like—she had told me but I thought that I could save her and make everything better; how presumptuous of me—how smug, but Laura complains that I don't pay enough attention to her but when I do, she accuses me of only wanting to wrangle her into bed—that I don't really love her. I can't win. But I still keep trying to think of ways to make her happy."

"Maybe you should stop over intellectualizing and just go with your feelings."

Adam looked his father in the eye. "If I did that, I'd leave her."

Ben sighed. Adam had stopped by the house as Ben had requested, after his trip to town to pick up feed for his own stock.

"Loss for words, Pa?" Adam gave a disdainful chuckle directed at himself. "There's nothing you can say to help me. I've said it all to myself already. There's nothing else except more of the same and I need to become resigned to it." Adam stood up. "I have to go, Pa. If I'm late, Laura will chew me out and it takes everything I have not to respond by leaving for good."

Ben stood up to walk Adam to the door. "Things will get better, Adam, I'm sure of it. Just give it time. Laura had a difficult time with the miscarriage and all that so she's still adjusting."

"That was almost two years ago and she was the same before as she is now. I'm grateful that you're trying, Pa, and don't take this the wrong way, but I would appreciate it if you stay out of all this. Even if Laura comes to you complaining, I don't want to discuss it anymore. Feel free to talk to her all you want but not me. Myself, I've talked about it with the pastor, with Paul, in case it was a medical issue and now you. I'm through talking." And Adam put on his hat and walked out of his father's house to head to his own.

Ben looked sadly after his eldest son. He understood the situation even though Adam would never believe it. Ben knew he had been the most fortunate of men to have found love so many times—so many times. And he understood why Adam was so sad at the thought that he would never find love and passion again. And Ben grieved for his son's and his pain.

Once home, Adam rubbed down his horse. He realized that he was taking his time because he didn't want to go in the house. He lightly slapped the horse's flank as he moved the animal into the stall and replaced the bar. The horse turned around once inside to eat the oats and alfalfa that Adam had placed in the trough. "Enjoy your dinner, boy, and be glad that you can eat alone—you won't get a sour stomach."

He walked across the yard to the house he had built. Originally, he had thought it was perfect. It sat protected by a hill on one side and a stand of trees behind. It had seemed to be an enclave of warmth and safety but now he saw nothing but flaws, things he would have done differently. He should have even built it on another spot. "Just like my life," he said to himself. "What was I thinking?"

Adam opened the front door and at the sound, Peggy came running to him. Laura stepped out of the kitchen wiping her hands on her apron.

"How's my favorite girl?" Adam said, swinging Peggy up and then placing her back down. At almost eleven, she would soon be too big to be swung up in the air and Adam knew that he would miss it and so would she.

Peggy laughed. "Really good. Today in school…"

"Peggy," Laura interrupted, "go finish setting the table."

"But I want to tell Adam about the medal I won."

"Don't talk back. Just do as you're told." Laura stood stiffly and Adam knew there would be an argument soon. And he had just walked in.

"Is it a medal on a ribbon?" Adam asked bending down to be on eye level.

Peggy nodded, grinning widely. "It's for spelling."

"Peggy! Do as I say. Now!"

Adam glanced at Laura. Her mouth was tight. "Go set the table like your mother said and then run and put your medal on—you can wear it at dinner like the winner you are. And then tomorrow, I'll get off early and the three of us can have dinner in town to celebrate the best speller in the fifth level!"

"Okay, Adam. It's on a red ribbon. You'll see!" Peggy skipped off to set the table and Adam removed his trail jacket and started to unbuckle his gun belt.

Laura glared at him. "You're just like Frank. The only reason you come home is to see Peggy."

"Well," Adam said, coiling up his gun belt and laying it on the table by the door. "That's not true but if you were as glad to see me as she is, things might be different."

Laura huffed and the turned back to the kitchen. Adam went to the washroom that was connected to the house and cleaned off the dirt from the day. He looked at his reflection in the mirror, at the lines that were forming around his eyes and the deepening creases across his forehead. The hair at his temples was graying and he swore his hairline was receding. That, he thought, was the Stoddard blood. The one time he had seen his grandfather, the man lay dying and Adam had searched the dying man's face for some resemblance and saw a slight one and noticed the man had a bald pate with vestiges of what had once been a full head of hair on the sides and back of his head. And Adam couldn't help but wonder if he would look like the old man when he died—if he was lucky enough to live that long—or wanted to.


	2. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. All original characters and plots are the property of the author, No copyright infringement is intended.

And one other thing—no, I do not hate Laura Dayton; IMO, she is a damaged person who needed more than Adam could offer. I am trying to present her as a sympathetic character.


	3. Chapter 3

Adam pulled the nightshirt over his head, slipped his arms into the sleeves and let it drop down over him. Laura was already in bed, her back to him. He put out the lamp and then, pulling up the sheet and coverlet, he moved into bed and next to his wife, putting his arm around her and drawing her to him.

"You expect me to be in the mood after tonight?" She pushed his arm away.

"In the mood for what? I just put my arm around you."

"I know what you want and you expect me to let you because it's my duty. Well, go ahead." Laura rolled on her back and stared angrily at the ceiling.

"Laura, have you ever considered that's it's my way of showing my love for you?"

"Oh, really? I know better-it has nothing to do with love—nothing!"

"Well that explains a lot then," Adam said and rolled on his side, turning his back to her and he swore he heard her sigh in relief. She saved herself again, he thought, the anger rising up in his throat. He wanted to tell her that she was cold and that she was killing any love he still held for her but Adam resolved that he would try again tomorrow. Tomorrow they were all going to town for dinner at the Imperial House. He decided that he would invite his father and brothers and that would ensure a happy time; they would all celebrate Peggy's spelling victory and he would privately ask his father to have Peggy over for the night. Then he would woo Laura anew. Yes, he thought as sleep began to overtake him—tomorrow he would win Laura over again.

"Did you have a nice time?" Adam looked over at Laura—so far she hadn't said a word since they had left Peggy at the Ponderosa.

She made a sound that indicated yes and then said in an accusatory tone, "You asked your father to invite Peggy to stay over, didn't you?"

"Yes. I wanted to spend the evening alone with my lovely wife. I thought we would share a bottle of wine and then move on to better things." Laura relaxed and even gave Adam a small smile; she seemed pleased and Adam knew that he had made the right choice. His father had told him once that a happy marriage is a continual courtship. Adam switched the reins to one hand and put his free arm around Laura, leaning in toward her to kiss her.

She put her arm out. "Oh, Adam you stink like that smelly cigar!" She made a face, her nose wrinkling as if smelling something putrid.

"You said that you didn't mind if I smoked. I asked you."

"Well, what was I supposed to say when your father pulled out the case and offered one all around?"

"You were supposed to say that you'd prefer I not smoke if that's the way you felt. I expect you to be honest with me."

"Adam, if I had said that, well, everyone would think that tonight we were going to…you know, be intimate." Laura pulled her shawl tighter about her. It was becoming cool; they were heading into fall and there would be less to do on the ranch. Adam would spend more time at home and although Laura liked looking out and seeing him sitting in the parlor and reading his paper or working around their house, it also meant that he would expect more from her. Laura couldn't straighten out her feelings about Adam; she loved him, she knew that, but she couldn't get over that everything out of his mouth seemed a criticism of her and that he didn't care about how hard she worked cleaning and cooking and raising Peggy as long as she let him have her body whenever he desired. If she raised the subject of housework, he would only say again how he offered to hire help and she had refused. She tried to explain to him how she felt about her house, about not wanting another person to take control of such things like dinner and the cleaning and making of their beds but he would just shake his head and say that if that was the way she wanted it then she shouldn't complain.

"Well we are married—don't you think my family knows what we do together? Although lately there hasn't been much of anything between us." As soon as he said it, Adam regretted it; he knew it would make things worse.

"And I suppose it's all my fault," Laura looked straight ahead, determined not to cry, "just like everything else is my fault."

Adam sighed. "No, it's not your fault—it's mine-my fault. I just…Laura, I'm lonely. Can't you understand that?" Adam looked at his wife, pleading with her.

"How can you be lonely?" Laura was truly astounded that he would say such a thing. "You work every day with your brothers and at home Peggy and I are always around. How can you be lonely?"

"Because I don't have anyone to share…" Adam looked at Laura's beautiful blue eyes. She was lovely but she seemed to lack understanding of his basic needs for intimacy, both physical and intimacy of the soul. "Never mind, Laura. It was a stupid thing for me to say. Let's not argue anymore tonight-please."

"That's fine with me," Laura said putting her hands to her temples and rubbing them with circular motions. "Arguing and that cigar smoke in the restaurant have given me a headache."

"You mean the thought of being with me has given you a headache." Laura quickly looked at Adam; she was going to respond but chose not to—not with Adam in the mood that he now was. Adam snapped the reins to have the horses pick up their pace. All his planning for the romantic evening was for naught. But he considered that he was deep into a new novel and would spend the evening reading while Laura took laudanum and went to bed. It was going to be, he considered sardonically, another evening like all those that came before it.

In the morning, Peggy reluctantly went to gather her things while Adam waited downstairs. She enjoyed spending time at the Ponderosa where she was the center of attention. Hoss played checkers with her and Joe sent her signals on where to move her pieces. Peggy knew that Hoss was aware but it was all for fun and they played for gumdrops. Hoss had distracted her and when she looked back, her bounty of gumdrops was gone and Hoss was whistling and looking innocently around.

"Hoss, did you take my gumdrops?"

"Me? Now Peggy, why would I take gumdrops from you? I have my own." And Hoss opened his large fist and there in his palm were the ten gumdrops."

"Those are mine, Hoss!"

"I don't see your name on 'em. But I tell you what. I think that if you gave me a little sugar on the jaw, I'd be willin' to part with 'em." And Peggy, laughing, jumped down from her chair and went around to Hoss, threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "Now that kiss was sweeter than this whole handful of candy," he said and poured the gumdrops into her open palms.

Ben looked at Adam—he always knew when Adam was in turmoil; it was his expression and the way he held himself. He stood in the house he had lived in for so many years, designed and helped build as if he was a stranger, his hat in his hands.

"Thank you for offering to take Peggy to church but Laura wants her home. I don't know why since she still has her headache from last night—or so she says, and you'd think she'd be glad to have Peggy off her hands for a while longer."

"Oh, I see," Ben said. And he did. "So your plans for a romantic evening fell through?"

Adam grinned. "Well, the best laid plans…" He turned toward the stairs. "Here comes my girl." Adam went to Peggy as she arrived at the bottom of the stairs and took her small valise. "Now what do you say?"

"Oh, Adam, I know what to say." Peggy smiled at Ben. "Thank you for having me as a guest and I sure wish that I could've gone to church with you."

"I tell you what," Ben said, bending down slightly, "why don't you, your mother and Adam come to dinner tonight? Hop Sing is roasting a pig and you, my dear, can have the crispy skin on my piece as well as your own."

Adam looked askance at his father. He knew what Laura would have to say about that—it was too greasy, it was too fatty, they were spoiling Peggy—treating her like a little princess.

"Oh, can we, Adam? Can we?" Peggy looked up to Adam with pleading eyes.

"We'll ask your mother," Adam said. "Now let's go before she starts cooking dinner." Adam gave Peggy a gentle push toward the door. Then he turned back. "Where're Joe and Hoss? Don't tell me Hoss is going to miss suckling pig?"

Ben laughed. "No, they're still in town waiting for the coach. I told you a few weeks ago that Cuddy Byrne was arriving today."

"Oh, that's right. I forgot."

Adam remembered when the first letter had arrived from Mr. Byrne saying that he was interested in buying Ponderosa timber again and was willing to bargain for the best price. Byrne had a furniture company back east and had bought wood from the Ponderosa mills before but not in a few years. Adam felt that it was because Byrne must have found a cheaper supplier; the man was tight-fisted with his money, and although they weren't really friends, Ben had invited Byrne to stay at the Ponderosa.

"I don't care for the man," Adam had said, "but this is your house and you can invite who you like."

"Oh, he's a bit of a blowhard but if he sees what he wants, well, he'll buy." Ben knew from Byrne's last visit that Adam didn't seem to like the man nor the man, him, but they had agreed on a good price that benefitted both Byrne and the Ponderosa and Mr. Byrne had recognized Adam's superior knowledge of the qualities of different types of wood.

Then the second letter, a response to the invitation arrived and Mr. Byrne informed them that his amanuensis was along for the trip and asked if the Ponderosa could put up both of them. If not, he would be happy to stay at the Palace Hotel in Virginia City.

"What's that?" Hoss asked as Ben read the letter aloud.

Adam had gone into town for the mail and had picked up the letter and a few catalogues for the Ponderosa as well as the Territorial Enterprise. So he sat at the breakfast table with his father and brothers, sipping Hop Sing's coffee and eating a slice of brown bread and gooseberry jam.

"Yeah," Joe said. "Sounds like a social disease."

Adam laconically answered. "That's a secretary—someone who writes out contracts, correspondence, things like that. The root of the word is the same as manual—you know, like the labor that you and Hoss do with your hands because you're not smart enough to use your heads."

"And just when we was beginnin' to miss you at breakfast," Hoss said.

Adam smiled and Ben chuckled. They did miss Adam and the three of them had often spoken about the empty chair at the foot of the table and how complete the family seemed when Adam was sitting there.

After a brief discussion, Ben wrote back that Byrne and his "amanuensis" were both welcome.

"Thanks again, Pa, for letting Peggy stay over," Adam said.

"So how about dinner tonight? Do you think you can make it? Hop Sing will want to know how many people and Byrne'll want to talk timber and since you know the most about which stands to cut…"

"I don't know, Pa, I really don't," Adam answered curtly. "It's up to Laura like I said and I don't really care for Byrne."

"Well, if Laura's still ill, you and Peggy come. It's only dinner and you can tolerate Byrne for a few hours."

"Yeah, I suppose I can." Adam looked down and then he gave his father a quick smile and put on his hat. He took Peggy's hand and they left.

Ben knew a defeated man when he saw one.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Adam walked into the bedroom after tucking in Peggy. Laura was sitting at her vanity in her nightgown, brushing her hair. Adam pulled one end of his string tie, removed it and began to undress by pulling off his jacket. He threw it on a chair. Laura opened her mouth, about to chastise him for not hanging it up for the next time it was to be worn but quickly stopped herself. Adam was in a strange mood, a black mood. He sat on the side of the bed and pulling off his boots, he tossed them on the floor, not bothering to stand them up as he usually did. He proceeded to unbutton his trousers, removed them and threw the clothing on the jacket. He stepped out of his underwear and then unbuttoned his white shirt halfway and pulled it over his head, tossing it in a corner. Then he climbed into bed.

Laura had watched him in the mirror. She was nervous. Adam had been silent on the drive home-brooding over something. Peggy even noticed and asked him if he was angry; he said that he was just tired so Peggy went back to chatting about how Miss Langston must be as good as speller as she was since Miss Langston wrote down what people said and adults said big words. Peggy added that maybe she could do that when she grew up, become a secretary, and because Adam remained silent, Laura told Peggy that if she kept up her studies, she could probably do so—and maybe even more.

"Did you think she was pretty?" Laura had wanted to ask Adam all the way home what he thought of Miss Langston but with Peggy sitting between them in the buggy, the child would have chimed in or even asked Adam if he thought Miss Langston was prettier than her mother. It was bad enough that Peggy had thought that Miss Langston was wonderful. Laura waited for Adam's answer, the brush in mid-air.

When Adam, Laura and Peggy arrived for dinner at the Ponderosa, Byrne, Adam's father and brothers were all sitting in the great room. The house was redolent with roast goose and Peggy remarked how good it smelled—like Christmas. Laura had shushed her, telling her to be quiet; introductions had not yet been made. And then Adam, glancing across the room, saw a young woman, a lovely young woman who remained sitting, her hands demurely folded in her lap. She was introduced as the secretary to Mr. Byrne as well as the one who kept his books. Adam's breath caught; he hadn't felt an attraction like this in years; it was immediate and overwhelming. He suddenly realized how long it had been since he had felt this devastating urge and desire for a woman but here the emotions were, and he was helpless to act on them. He hadn't ever felt this way about Laura—or about any woman since he was in Boston as a young student.

When it came to Laura, Adam had always thought that Mrs. Dayton was a lovely woman but he felt nothing particular about her—she was just Frank Dayton's wife and they lived on an unkempt ranch with their small daughter, Peggy. The only time Adam spoke to Mrs. Dayton other than a "good-day" at church along with a tip of his hat, was when he went over to say that a fence was down or they had a maverick that they were sure was from the Running D. Laura or the foreman usually said that Frank was out of town and they were short of men and offered their thanks. Once Hoss mentioned to Adam that he wondered what "business" Frank was in. Then Frank had died on their property as Hoss and Adam helplessly watched. He had fallen off his horse and struck his head on a rock and had died instantly. Adam went to break the news to Mrs. Dayton while Hoss went for Roy Coffee and Dr. Martin. Adam noticed that Laura was surprised that Frank had died, but not heartbroken, not distressed except for money. She had kept asking while helplessly wringing her hands, what she was going to do to make the mortgage payment. And Adam had put his arms around her to comfort her and he offered her his help, the Ponderosa's help.

So out of both guilt and sympathy, Adam began to court Laura Dayton and fell in love with Peggy as well. He could see them as a family and Laura needed him. The fact that he didn't feel a constant, overwhelming desire for her was a positive, as Adam saw it. It allowed him to put Laura out of his mind and concentrate on his work and the fact that she was cool to him where passion was concerned was only proper. Adam was certain that after they married, she would show her love for him.

But Laura stayed the same. Adam even felt a bit of sympathy for Frank and understood his sarcastic, "ever-lovin' wife" comment about Laura, even appreciating why Frank strayed—but Adam never threw it in Laura's face; that would be cruel and unfair. So he went on day after day and then came the day that Laura told him that she was with child and both he and Peggy were delighted. Laura didn't seem as happy but Adam kissed her and told her that he understood; she would be the one to go through it but he told her that he would be there for her and again offered to hire help for the house but she declined.

And then there was the miscarriage and for months after, Laura used that as an excuse to keep Adam away; the doctor had told her not to take a chance on conceiving again. And Adam said that he understood but after a year with no intimacy of any kind except a quick kiss goodnight, Adam began to cajole Laura, to ask her how much longer they would have to sleep next to each other as brother and sister. Laura put him off as long as she could but finally, she allowed him her body and sighed in resignation. Adam would now stay around. As her Aunt Lil had told her, a man is like a dog; you have to pet him on occasion but too much and he'll always be jumping up on you for more and more.

"Miss Langston's that amanuensis that you done explained about," Hoss said, smiling. Hoss and Miss Langston exchanged looks and Hoss glowed when she smiled at him. It was easy to see that he was besotted. Not to be outdone, Joe commented that Miss Langston had both brains and beauty. Adam had merely smiled because he was afraid to speak, afraid that his voice would reveal the tumult of emotions he felt. Miss Langston was lovely—he almost groaned with desire.

Adam shook hands with Cuddy Byrne and remarked that it was nice to see him again. Byrne slapped Adam on the back and said that it had been far too long since they had done business and he was looking forward to it. Then Adam was introduced to Miss Langston.

"I have to admit I'm surprised," he said to her. "Your position is usually filled by a man. I know that I shouldn't work from bias and form expectations ahead of time—I hope you'll forgive my prejudice—I know now I should be more open-minded. It's a pleasure to meet you, Miss Langston." She had risen and put out her hand and Adam took it and gave it a light shake; she made him feel an urge he had thought he would never feel again—and it surprised him. He wanted to pull her into his arms, to overpower her and take her mouth with his. He wanted to feel her skin, to smell her hair and have her submit to his will. Adam let out a shaky breath. He knew he would have to be careful all evening and not give himself away, not to reveal how enthralled he was but from the way Miss Langston looked at him, Adam felt that she already knew. After all, he thought, she must know how exquisite she is.

"Well," Laura said, turning in her vanity chair to look at Adam, "did you think she was pretty?" Laura knew the answer; she had watched Adam all evening and the fact that he wouldn't look directly at Miss Langston at table, just surreptitiously glanced at her, and avoided conversation with her let Laura know that Adam thought she was pretty, perhaps even beautiful.

"I suppose she is," Adam answered tersely.

"Do you think she and Mr. Byrne are…you know….involved? I mean a young, single woman traveling with a man even if he is her employer, well, it certainly is a bit scandalous. I can't imagine a decent woman doing such a thing." Laura rose from the chair.

"You can't imagine a decent woman doing many things, but they do and they're still decent. Now come here."

Laura knew what to expect as she neared the bed and she also knew not to refuse Adam tonight, not in the mood he was in. She smiled bravely at him and he grabbed her arm and pulled her down to him, roughly kissing her mouth. Laura complied—it was what wives were to do.

And afterwards when Adam lay sleeping, Laura wondered what it was about Miss Langston that had aroused such desire in her husband; he had seemed distant for such an intimate act and Laura suspected that Adam was thinking of the slender auburn-haired young beauty. Laura conceded that Miss Langston was attractive enough but her clothing had been prim and business-like, her hair in a loose knot on her head and she wore a high-necked, fitted shirt and a slender skirt as women were now wearing in the east. It was form-fitting and had emphasized her small waist but Laura considered that she had a fit figure as well and her full skirt was far more flattering. And Miss Langston hadn't flirted with Adam. No, Laura thought, it must have been something she missed. But then she had watched them carefully all evening and there was no exchange between the two except when Adam and Miss Langston were introduced and when they said goodnight. That was basically it. But Laura was sure that it had been the young woman that Adam had been taking in their bed, not her, his wife. Laura didn't know whether to be offended or not that Adam had probably conjured up images of Miss Langston sans her confining clothing and in a state of dishabille that had made him want her tonight; Adam merely wanted to satisfy his urges and since Laura was there, he used her. But then, Laura thought, all men are like that. Frank had been like that and her mother had warned her of their wants and needs. It was a trade-off, a fair exchange. The wife's body for her security and she had made the unspoken contract when she married Adam. Laura closed her eyes to try to sleep but her mind kept running in circles, reliving the whole evening over and over, searching for a clue, anything that she could hold over Adam's head so that he would have nothing more to do with the lovely Miss Langston.

All through dinner with his family and Miss Langston, Adam had tried to avoid looking at the young woman or becoming involved in conversation. But Peggy was fascinated by her and by the fact that she was good with numbers and spelling and so Peggy kept asking questions, Adam learned quite a bit about her without having to ask. Miss Langston was educated at a private girls' school in upper state New York where women were prepared to earn their own living in the world. Many had chosen to be teachers and Miss Langston had considered it, she told Peggy, but then she decided to look for a job where she could use her talent with numbers.

"I don't like ciphering," Peggy said. "I like to spell. I won a medal for spelling in grade 5 and Adam took us all out to dinner in town to celebrate and I was let to spend the night here at the big house and Hop Sing had made a cake and Mr. Ben let me have a piece for breakfast."

Adam glanced at Miss Langston who had a small smile on her face. For a reason he didn't understand, he wanted her to smile at him that way—at just him. He chided himself for thinking like a young kid with his first crush, hoping for a smile, a glance from the object of one's love."

"This is the first I heard about cake for breakfast," Laura said disapprovingly. She looked at Ben.

"I assure you, Laura, that was the only time that Peggy's had cake for breakfast. I swear!" Ben held up his right hand as if he was on the witness stand.

"It's okay, Pa," Adam said. "We won't shoot you. Besides, Peggy," he glanced at her with a mischievous smile, "sometimes your mother serves us both pancakes for breakfast."

Peggy giggled, delighted with Adam's riposte. "Yeah, we even have 'cake' for breakfast at home sometimes!"

Everyone laughed but Laura who just stared at Adam until he looked down and went back to his dinner. Peggy started to ask Miss Langston another question but Laura told Peggy that she had talked enough; this was a time for the adults to talk and for her to eat. Adam was disappointed but let things go—he wanted to hear more about the woman who sat between Hoss and Mr. Byrne. He didn't even yet know her first name.

Adam asked Byrne what his plans were for all the pine. Byrne explained that he was looking to buy pine for his furniture company; he was going to make simple pieces of furniture that were affordable to the many immigrants who were flooding the eastern cities and have a mail-order business for homesteaders in the west. He explained that he would stain the wood to make it look like maple and oak but it would be only pine. Byrne also planned for simple designs—no elegantly turned spindles and chair backs—just simple furniture design. That way, he could keep down the price.

"Why don't you just make boxes? They take about as much ingenuity. And you can stain the wood to look like maple or oak but there's nothing you can do about the grain or the strength. It should be obvious to anyone that it's pine. Why the heft alone would be a dead giveaway. You're not going to tell them it's oak or maple, are you?" Adam didn't like the idea of passing off a lesser product as a greater one.

"No, no," Byrne said, "You must have a low opinion of me to even ask such a thing, but I do plan an upscale line as well using actual oak. I have many fine pieces that I brought back from Europe—Italy, France and such, when I was a merchant seaman and I'm going to use those as models."

Mr. Byrne mentioning that he had been at sea was all that was needed. Adam, Joe and Hoss looked at one another. Joe rolled his eyes, Hoss chuckled and Adam shook his head and grinned as Ben said that he too had been a merchant seaman. The conversation then became basically an exchange of stories and adventures between Ben and Cuddy Byrnes. Peggy listened fascinated to the men and interrupted upon occasion to ask questions. She hadn't known her grandfather had been such an adventurer.

"Peggy," Laura had harshly said to her daughter who sat at Adam's left and beside her, "It's rude to interrupt."

"No, no," Byrne had said, "Let the child ask whatever she wants. I don't mind and I'm sure that Ben here doesn't either. Usually it's poor Miss Langston who has to listen to my tales—she and I are often alone as we travel and I tend to talk a bit too much but she's become used to it since being in my hire these last two years. "

Ben said that of course he didn't mind Peggy asking questions and so they talked on. And Adam would glance at Miss Langston when he felt he wouldn't be caught and wondered about her relationship with Byrne, if it was just professional. Even as modestly as she was dressed, Adam found himself admiring her pale skin and her dark auburn hair. Her brows and rosy lips were in stark contrast with her complexion and her bright blue eyes were unexpected. Hoss, who was sitting beside her, engaged her in small talk and Adam watched her expression. If he weren't married, Adam considered, he'd give both Hoss and Joe a run for Miss Langston's attentions. Adam suddenly felt such a loss of his freedom that it shocked him. It was almost a physical pain, his desire to be free of Laura and able to pursue the beautiful woman who sat only a few feet away from him and yet was unattainable.

Adam sized up Byrne. He hadn't really paid that much attention to the man except as a customer for their lumber the first time they had met but now, well now Adam had a new reason to sum up the man in toto. He was traveling alone with Miss Langston who was like a fairy tale princess matched with an ogre. Byrne was a congenial man and very wealthy but not attractive. Nevertheless, Adam could understand how a young woman might find a relationship with him profitable. He tried to picture Byrne, who was about his father's age, and the auburn-haired, young beauty together but all that he could envision was Byrne slavering over her, begging her to let him kiss her foot and his raining expensive gifts of jewels on her in order to buy her affection. But all the jewelry she wore was a small cameo. Usually, when there was an intimate relationship between people, there were subtle signs—a look, a smile, something, but Adam noticed nothing.

He was brought out of his thoughts by Laura touching his arm.

"Are you all right," she quietly asked. "You've barely touched your food."

"I'm just not in the mood for roasted goose, that's all." But Adam set about eating his food even though nothing, not the yams or the green beans cooked with onions and bacon, not even the flaky biscuits appealed to him. But he ate anyway even though his stomach was in knots and he couldn't get out of his mind the picture of a lush Miss Langston waiting in a bed for her lover to come to her. He wanted to be the lover and he wanted her. There was just something about her that touched him to his core. And Adam felt deep longing.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Laura noticed that Adam had taken special care with dressing that morning. He also had closely shaved; he only did that on Sunday mornings when they were going to church or for some other occasion but today Adam was taking Byrne out to look at the stands of trees, then to the mill to see how quickly they could have the order filled once he placed it. The trip to the mill was so Byrne could examine the manner in which they worked and how quickly orders could be filled and shipped back east.

"Adam," Laura said, coming up behind him as he pulled on his trail coat, "Joe better hurry or Peggy will be late to school." Adam usually took Peggy but this morning Joe was going to take her so that Adam could show Mr. Byrne around.

"Can't I stay home today?" Peggy asked pitifully. She liked school once she was there but she far preferred to be home on the ranch and riding her pony or helping with the chickens.

"Now, Peggy," Adam said, putting on his hat, "you don't get to be the best speller by staying home from school. And I think I hear the buggy now. Let's go." Peggy reluctantly slipped on her coat, took up the strap that held her books together and headed for the door.

"Adam," Laura said. He stopped and so did Peggy. They both looked at her questioningly and then at each other. "Peggy you go ahead. I want to talk to Adam." Peggy looked sympathetically at Adam; she had the feeling that her mother was going to chew-out Adam. Many a time Peggy had overheard her mother crying and complaining to Adam that he was far from a good husband; she said that he didn't love her, that he just used her for his needs and that was it. Peggy wasn't sure to what " needs" referred—she just assumed it must be for food that her mother cooked. Sometimes Adam would leave the house when her mother started in on him, walk out and not come back for a few hours and sometimes Peggy would hear him after her mother had stopped ranting and although she couldn't understand what he was saying, she recognized the conciliatory tone of his voice, how he would become tender and she knew that he was probably kissing her mother, making amends. Peggy couldn't understand. To her, Adam was a better husband to her mother than her father had been and he was almost as wonderful a father to her as her own father had been. Peggy loved Adam and knew he loved her but she wondered about the relationship between him and her mother. It was puzzling but then, all adults puzzled her.

"Okay, mother. Bye, Adam." She walked out the door where Joe was waiting with a small buggy to take her to school.

"What is it?" Adam asked. He was eager to leave.

"Is Miss Langston going out with you today?"

"I really don't know. Why?" Adam didn't want to answer any more questions about Miss Langston. At breakfast, Laura had asked him again if he thought Miss Langston was pretty—and Peggy had piped up and said that she thought Miss Langston was beautiful—and Laura asked how Adam would feel if Laura took a job in town or if she worked exclusively for the banker and traveled with him. He hoped this wouldn't be another foolish question—or a question that he would have to honestly answer such as if he was attracted to Miss Langston. Adam noticed that Laura circled that question, never directly asking it.

"I just wondered because you're dressed nicer than usual and you shaved. You usually aren't that careful about your appearance if you're going to be working with other men. Is all this for Mr. Byrne?"

"Well, Mr. Byrne has the possibility of being a good customer but if you're worried, Pa's coming along as well."

"Why should I be worried?" she asked.

"You shouldn't," he said. "Now I have to go." Adam leaned over and kissed Laura lightly on the cheek. "I don't know what time I'll be home. Joe's spending the day in town so he'll bring Peggy home. If I'm not back by dinner, eat without me—I might be eating at the Ponderosa." And he turned and left.

Joe was waiting in the buggy for Adam.

"Peggy's going to be late if you don't get a move on." Adam untied his horse which he had earlier saddled.

Joe jumped down from the seat and walked over to Adam. It was obvious that he didn't want Peggy to hear. "Adam, I, well, things are a little funny at home."

"What do you mean?" Adam didn't have time to hear about an argument between Hoss and Joe over who was to squire Miss Langston about the property.

"It's that Miss Langston and Byrne."

Adam stopped and listened. "What about them?"

"Well I didn't say anything to Pa but Hoss heard them last night and so did I. Pa might've heard them too and just didn't say anything this morning."

"Heard them…at what?" Adam's heart pounded. He had a feeling that he knew what Joe was going to say and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it.

"He was in her room and he wasn't exactly yelling but you could tell he was angry about something."

Adam sighed in relief. He feared that they had heard sounds of passionate coupling emanating from her bedroom. "That's not really our business, is it?" Adam said. "Now you better get Peggy to school."

"He mentioned your name." Joe stood and waited."Hoss heard it too—clear as a bell. Hoss said that Byrne told her to stay away from you. There's not something going on, is there? You haven't met her before have you?" He noticed Adam's jaw muscles working.

Adam didn't say anything else, just mounted his horse and then looked down on Joe. "Get Peggy to school."

After Adam left, Laura wanted to yell, to scream, to throw something-preferably at Adam but he had closed the heavy door behind him. She knew why he wanted to eat at the Ponderosa—so that he could see Miss Langston again—she was sure of it.

In the three years they had been married, Adam had never strayed and Laura realized that she had taken that for granted since he was so different from Frank. She just assumed that because Adam had a sense of honor that he would never visit one of the brothels or sniff after another woman but this new woman, she was different. Since Miss Langston would soon be gone, it might mean that Adam felt that a little fling wouldn't interfere with his marriage. And Laura realized that it wasn't so much that she cared about the physical aspect of an extramarital affair but she didn't want Adam to fall in love with someone else; he might leave her and then what would she do? And she would miss him. Yes, she thought, she would miss his presence, his easy smile and his deep laugh. If he left her, she would be lonely and bereft.

Laura sat down on their settee and looked around the room. Adam had provided well for them, even ordering their furniture from a company in New England and Laura had brought many of her things from her house when she owned the Running D. She loved her home—this was Adam's wedding gift to her, the best gift he could have given her and she remembered how he had picked her up and carried her over the threshold. They had laughed and Adam had kissed her and carried her up the stairs and that night was the first time they were husband and wife. Laura still remembered that night vividly because Adam was far more tender than Frank had ever been and far more generous a lover but she couldn't accept many of the things he proposed or desired—they weren't right, weren't decent in her opinion. So Laura knew that she had to make a plan in case Adam did fall in love with Miss Langston but then, she considered, she would make certain he didn't.

Adam turned around in the buggy. He had driven them to the mill site, his father on the front seat with him and Miss Langston and Byrne sitting in the back on the second set of seats. Byrne and Ben Cartwright had climbed out of the buggy and walked toward the mill, Byrne glancing back at the buggy with Adam and Miss Langston still sitting.

"Are you sure you don't want to take a tour of the mill? My father is going to show your boss the whole process of milling and the quality of lumber." Adam hoped she didn't—he would much prefer to sit in the buggy and talk to her, look at her and employ his imagination on the pleasures she might hold for him.

"I'm quite sure, Mr. Cartwright. As awful as it may seem, I really have no interest in lumber or mills. I prefer seeing the trees still growing."

Adam noticed that she was leaning slightly so that she could look out at the sky over the canvas hood of the buggy.

"They certainly are tall," she remarked. "So many years it must take for them to grow and then—they're chopped down and they no longer exist. In a way, it's sad. But then, all things must end, mustn't they?" She looked at Adam and he was moved by the sadness in her expression. Did she feel the same way as he did, that life was too short to go on without experiencing great love, or was he projecting his own longings on to her, hoping she felt the same?

Adam jumped down from his seat. "Why don't you come out and stretch your legs a bit. It really is beautiful country—at least this part."

Miss Langston put out a gloved hand and Adam helped her out. She wore a brimmed hat that was held on by a wide blue ribbon that she had tied to the side of her face. Adam noticed how it enhanced her blue eyes and reddish hair.

"What do you mean by 'this part'?" Miss Langston glanced up at Adam. She had been struck by him from the moment he had walked into his father's house, even before he had seen her. And then Miss Langston saw the lovely blonde woman at his side and their child and her heart fell. She was used to men being married and other women her age having husbands, homes and children because they had made different decisions as to the direction of their lives. And at times like this, when she was so moved by such a desirable man, she wondered if she had made the correct decision.

That morning at breakfast, Mr. Byrne and Mr. Cartwright had invited Miss Langston along on the tour of the property and the mill but she had declined. She said that she hadn't slept well and preferred to just stay at the Ponderosa and go over some correspondence and perhaps later, she would sketch some of the wildflowers. Then she heard Ben say that Adam was coming over to drive them and she changed her mind. Miss Langston decided that she needed some fresh air and it was such a crisp day, she would go along and take her business satchel; they might need her. Both men were delighted to have her join them and Ben remarked that although the country was beautiful, it would pale next to her. She smiled politely and thanked him but in her secret heart, she hoped that perhaps Adam Cartwright might notice her and think her pretty.

Adam, after tying off his horse, had pulled one of the Ponderosa's buggies into the front yard and as Mr. Byrne helped Miss Langston into the carriage, he had said close to her ear, "So is it the prospect of seeing Adam Cartwright again that made you suddenly desire to come along? Remember what I said last night. Just remember—don't encourage him in any way. I won't be happy if you do." She had not looked at him, just settled on the seat and pulled her skirts next to her to make room for Mr. Byrne.

"What I mean," Adam said, putting a hand on the small of Miss Langston's back and directing her away from the mill and the buggy, "is that the terrain on the Ponderosa actually changes."

"It's that large." She looked up at him in surprise.

"Yes," Adam said, grinning. "The Ponderosa is full of surprises."

"Well with as valuable as land is, it's a surprise that you're the only one of your brothers to be married. I would think the women around these vicinities would be fighting among themselves to marry a Cartwright."

Adam chuckled. "One would think so but then, I'm surprised that you're not already the wife of some most fortunate man."

"Are you, Mr. Cartwright?" Miss Langston looked candidly at Adam and he felt himself flush with warmth.

"There are so many Cartwrights, would you call me Adam?"

Miss Langston walked a few steps away from him and then turned. Adam hadn't moved as he waited for her response. He wondered if he had been too familiar but then she had called Hoss and Joe by their first names but they weren't married. And perhaps she preferred to keep an air of formality since everyone, even Mr. Byrne referred to her as "Miss Langston."

"Adam. All right, and my name is Deirdre."

Adam let out his breath; he hadn't realized that he had been holding it. "Deirdre of the Sorrows."

She laughed lightly. "Oh yes, my father told me the story of Deirdre when I was, as he would put it, a 'wee bairn'."

"Deirdre was raised to be the consort of a mighty king—groomed to be his." Adam moved closer to her; she never looked away from him.

"Yes. Someone she didn't want." Her blue eyes were steely in their gaze.

Adam had seen eyes like hers before, that challenging expression, but it was usually behind a rifle aimed at him.

"Why don't you ask me what you want to know, Adam, what I believe your brothers are wondering about as well? Perhaps even your father."

"And what is that?" Adam found himself practically dancing around her, performing some age-old courting ritual where two lovers, afraid to commit to one another out of fear of rejection, slowly circled the subject that shouldn't be mentioned so early, that of desire and of want and of the need of a man for a woman.

"Mr. Byrne was a friend of my father's. I've known him since I was a child. Then, after my mother died and I grew older, Mr. Byrne paid my tuition at the Women's Normal College and when I graduated he hired me. My father had died by then and Mr. Byrne took over the role. If you see that as a commonality with the myth of Deidre, I suppose you wouldn't be far off but if you think that Mr. Byrne is anything other than a family friend and a generous employer, you're wrong." Deirdre stared at him, waiting. Adam noticed a slight quiver in her lips and he felt that perhaps she wasn't being candid. But he didn't question her more.

Adam looked down, composed himself and returned her direct gaze. "I did wonder. I know I should lie and say that the thought never occurred to me that you and Mr. Byrne might have an intimate relationship as well as a business one, but it did. I know it's none of my business but it does seem as if he wants to lock you away in a tower and keep you from others."

"You're confusing your myths—Deirdre with Danae."

"They're all the same aren't they?" Adam stepped closer to her, his voice dropping intimately. "Somehow, some way, the beauty eludes the attempts to control her fate and finds a way—destiny must be fulfilled. Be cautious of showers of golden light."

Deirdre gave a small laugh and looked at the man before her, fighting the urge to tell him everything, to tell him that she found him the most beautiful man she had ever seen. "Do you know the rest of the myth, Adam? Deirdre fell in love with a raven-haired warrior—Naoise. He and his two brothers took Deirdre to Scotland where she and Naoise were happy in their love until of course, the king had her returned by force and her lover and his two brothers were beheaded. As in all myths, it had to be as you said- destiny must be fulfilled. And then Deirdre was married to Conchobar but hated him—refused his affection. Was cold. To punish her, Conchobar wanted to give Deirdre to the man she hated most, even more than Conchobar himself—the man who had killed her lover. To avoid it, Deirdre killed herself to escape—you know-the fate worse than death cliché, as if there is such a thing. Some versions of the myth say she drowned herself, others that she threw herself on boulders and spilt her skull open. It doesn't matter what way—just that she died. Her lover was gone forever and she couldn't bear a life with the man who had killed him."

"Love stories never end happily, do they?"

"How can you say that, Mister Cart…I mean Adam? Your life isn't over and you have a wife—you must love each other and you have a child. Who knows how a person's love story will end?"

Her cheeks had become flushed as well as her lips; Adam knew that she wanted to know about his marriage with Laura and if he was in love with his wife. Was he just a lecherous man who flouted his vows for every female in skirts or was he loyal and steadfast and just desperately unhappy or struck with love for her? She waited on his response.

"You must have a love story of your own, Deidre—every woman does."

"Mine is only on the verge of beginning, Mr. Cartwright, and there's no telling how it will end." She walked further away and looked at the tall trees. "What type of pines are these?"

And Adam knew their intimate conversation had ended with her referring to him more formally. So he walked over to her and pointing to a stand of pines in the distance, began to explain the difference between Jeffrey Pines, Ponderosa Pines and lodgepole pines. She seemed fascinated and pulled off her gloves to handle the pine cones Adam gathered so that she could tell the difference. She laughed when Adam told her the little memory trick: Jeffrey gentle, Ponderosa prickly.

"And are all of you prickly on the Ponderosa?"

"Oh, no," Adam answered, grinning. "I am most obliging and docile."

She gave him a sidelong glance. "Yes, I'm sure that you are." He grinned back. He recognized the attraction between them-he knew she did as well and Adam felt a stir of excitement. But then, he considered, did he really need excitement in his life? He had become comfortable with the peace of his ordinary days and his life. But then, he also hadn't had his blood stirred like this in years. And he knew there was trouble ahead if he kept on following Deirdre's little dance but he didn't care.

"May we go down to the lake? Do you think there's time?" she asked.

"Yes, there's time. I'll lead and you follow. And watch your step." And Adam, his hand reaching for hers, led the delicate figure of Deidre Langston down the declivity to the lake shore where the boulders were stacked and crowded together. It was a dangerous walk, full of loose rocks and roots and debris but the end view was worth it so they made the trip down, forgoing all caution. After all, Adam was there to catch her should she trip.

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Adam and Deirdre stood together and looked at the lake, at the wide expanse of water before them.

"It's mesmerizing, isn't it?" Deirdre asked quietly. "So sublime."

"Yes, it does inspire awe. It gets under your skin, this land, the water. Sometimes, depending on the color of the sky and the water, it looks as if there is nothing but an abyss ahead—just emptiness as if you'd come to the end of the earth."

Deirdre completed his thought. "And falenl into nothingness—nothing ahead—nothing. I suppose, in a way, it's like life. Sometimes it looks as if there is nothing in the future and then, without even expecting it, something happens that changes everything."

Adam looked over at her as she gazed on the expanse of water. "Yes," he said. "I know what you mean. Strange isn't it? Just two days ago I was thinking that I had to accept how things were in my life and then I saw you and everything changed—nothing in my life is the same. You're like the sun on the horizon, chasing away the night, giving me hope."

Deirdre turned to look at him and Adam felt his heart pound. He knew he was taking a chance—what happened now could change the course of his life—and hers and Laura's. He knew that he couldn't behave recklessly but yet his soul yearned for this woman who stood beside him.

"I didn't think you even noticed me," she said, a look of wonder on her face.

"Notice you—you're all I saw and I wanted so desperately for you to notice me. I felt like a little kid who does somersaults and tells the girl in pigtails, 'Look at me! Watch me!' I would have stood on my head to get your attention. But then, well, I am married and I don't take lightly my attraction to you. I can't just think of myself—this involves others."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because I'm hopelessly trapped in a marriage with a woman who doesn't….who doesn't share my ideas of what love is. And I know," Adam said with a small laugh, "that it sounds like the old cliché of a wandering husband. How can I not sound ridiculous and foolish? And you're thinking that I'm playing you for a fool."

Deirdre looked out over the water again and spoke as if she addressed the lapping water at the shore. "I've been unhappy for so long, so hopeless. Perhaps fate has thrown us together, Adam." She turned and looked at him. "If I can give you any happiness then I shall because doing so would give me some happiness as well. I've been hopelessly trapped all my life and I had become resigned to it never changing. We might be able to free each other and escape somewhere beyond the horizon."

"Deirdre," Adam said as he turned to her. She smiled gently and moved closer to him and they embraced. She looked up at him, waiting, and Adam kissed her and it was right. Then he held her face in his hands and looked down into her blue eyes that were so different than Laura's blue eyes. It was the expression that was different. Deirdre looked at him with adoration and gratitude and love and acceptance. Deirdre loved him and Adam finally knew the joy that had been missing from his life for so long. "Oh, Deirdre," he said as a sob rose in his throat and he swallowed hard to suppress it. "I need you—desperately. I need you to bring me back into life, back into the world to feel things again such as love and passion." And there, on the shore of the lake, they sealed their fates.

Ben decided that they should go into Virginia City for lunch as well as to see Hiram, the Cartwright's lawyer. Adam asked his father to drive and he climbed into the back seat of the buggy with Miss Langston ignoring his father's raised brows of disapproval and the slight protest from Mr. Byrne. Adam didn't care. He stretched out as much as he wanted, extending one arm across the back of the buggy seat behind Deidre. She looked up at him and he down at her and if there hadn't been his father and Cuddy Byrne in the front seat, Adam would have kissed her—Laura or not. He longed to feel her lips on his again; Deirdre was so lovely, so desirable.

As the buggy rolled on, Miss Langston asked Adam more about their surroundings, the far-off mountain range and the animals that prowled the landscape. Adam pointed out his side of the buggy at a goshawk that was gliding above them. Deirdre leaned across Adam to look up. She was so close to him that he held his breath. He looked down at her white, exposed neck and wondered what she would do if he kissed it. Would she slap him for show, remind him that he was a married man and that she was an unmarried woman? Or would she smile coyly at him and then touch his cheek inviting a kiss on the mouth, daring Mr. Byrne to protest? But he never had the chance to find out.

Ben took over the conversation and started supplying the information about the different animals, how actually, omitting rattlesnakes, there were mainly bears and cougars that caused trouble but that was usually confined to stock. Ben told how many a morning, they would find a partially eaten steer, the coyotes or wolves scavenging the meat. Why a good-sized bear, Ben said, could take a whole load of buckshot and just shake it off and still keep coming!

"You have to forgive my father," Adam said. "He's used to being the bull of the woods and loves nothing more than to regale all our visitors on both the beauties and the horrors of the Ponderosa."

Byrne turned around and frowned when he saw how comfortable Adam and Miss Langston seemed ensconced in the back seat. Adam had one foot propped on the side of the buggy as well as his arm behind her and Miss Langston seemed to lean slightly against him.

"I would think that you, Adam, why you'd brag on your wife and child," Byrne said harshly, "more than you would the land since it was your father who carved out the empire. After all, your wife, Laura, is beautiful and Peggy is a young beauty as well. You must be a happy man."

Adam took down his leg but didn't remove his arm from the back of the buggy seat. "I would like to take credit for Peggy-I love her dearly but she's not my child. Fortunately, it looks as if she'll be as lovely as her mother."

"Yes," Byrne said, glancing at Miss Langston, "sometimes you can look at a child, a young girl, and see how beautiful she'll be as a woman."

"Yes," Adam said. He noticed Deirdre looking down at her gloves and pushing down on the fingers as if she had just put them on. "Sometimes it is obvious. Deirdre told me that you were a friend of her father's, that you paid for her schooling after her mother died and then when her father died, well, you took his place in her life. Actually, you took over her life."

"Well, now you and she are on first name basis?" Mr. Byrne didn't seem pleased. "Miss Langston, it's not professional to become too friendly with vendors. And I didn't know that you spoke so disparagingly about me behind my back."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Byrne…" Deirdre said but Adam interrupted. He removed his arm and leaned forward.

"Miss Langston has been professional. I merely asked her to call me Adam and she responded in kind. I see nothing wrong with that and Miss Langston also said nothing unkind about you—that was my interpretation of events—my words, not hers."

Mr. Byrne heaved with anger. "Now you listen to me…"

"Don't speak to me as if I'm some snot-nosed kid you can intimidate…"

"Please," Miss Langston said, placing a hand lightly on Adam's arm to get his attention, "Mr. Byrne is correct-I shouldn't have been so familiar and I talked far too much about things I shouldn't. I apologize, Mr. Cartwright and also to you, Mr. Byrne. I know I owe you a great deal." She moved slightly away from Adam and then glanced out her side of the buggy.

"Well," Ben said, wanting to change the subject, "we should be on the outskirts of Virginia City in about five minutes. My lawyer's office is in the center of town and the Imperial House is only a few doors down from it. We'll have lunch first—you'll enjoy their offerings. They have a French chef, well, at least he speaks with a French accent."

Byrne, without glancing behind said, "I expect you to take down what transpires at the lawyer's, Miss Langston—you did bring your pad and pencil, didn't you?"

"Yes, sir—I did."

"Good." Byrne kept his back turned and Deirdre refused to look at Adam again and even through an awkward lunch, she barely glanced at him or anyone else. Adam knew then that not only was Byrne in love with Deirdre but that she feared that by looking at Adam, she would reveal her love for him and Byrne would see it. And she feared what Byrne might do. Adam would have to find out why she feared Byrne and what he, himself, could do to change it.

Adam waited outside, lounging on a wooden bench, while his father, Cuddy Byrne and Miss Langston went inside Hiram's office. As he sat on the bench outside the building, Joe called out and trotted from across the street.

"Did you get Peggy to school on time?" Adam asked.

"Close enough. What're you doing out here?"

"Biding my time," Adam replied.

"Pa and Byrne inside?" Adam nodded. "And Miss Langston?" Adam nodded again but continued to look out at the surroundings. "Why aren't you inside?" Joe asked.

Adam turned to look at Joe. "Let's just say that I'm finding it a strain to be civil to Byrne."

"It's Miss Langston, isn't it?" Joe asked.

"Yes."

"I'm going to tell you what you'd tell me if I were in your situation-forget about her. You'd tell me that there are always more women but, Adam, you've got Laura."

"Well, that doesn't mean that I should look the other way if someone's being intimidated or brow-beaten, and I think Deirdre is."

"Oh, so it's Deirdre now, not Miss Langston."

"No, not Miss Langston because it sticks in Byrne's craw when I call her by her first name."

"Adam, you're just asking for trouble."

"Well I guess you would know trouble," Adam said. Joe said that he wasn't going to hang around—was just going to pick up Peggy and take her home and then, he just might hide in his room until their guests had left. And Adam laughed and said that was probably wise. He watched Joe walk away and the smile dropped from Adam's face. He knew he was courting danger but he just didn't know from what direction it would come.

On the ride back to the Ponderosa, Byrne sat in the back with Miss Langston. He went over the notes she had written as the men had talked and jotted down their points about the contract.

"And I want the notes written up this evening and a copy given to me before I retire so you had best go to work after dinner. Time is valuable. I have a business to run."

"Yes, Mr. Byrne," Deirdre said, "I'll have the copy to you for your approval."

"I'll be expecting it," he said. Then he sat back. That would show that Adam Cartwright not to try to move in on his property and he considered Miss Langston his property. After all, he had paid enough to make her who she was except for her beauty—he could take no credit for that. Adam didn't stand a chance next to his power.

Deirdre looked at Adam's back as he handled the reins. He wasn't relaxed as he had been on the ride to the mill or to town, his shoulders were stiff and Deirdre knew that it was because of her—he and Mr. Byrne were in competition for her as if she was the prize to be won. Deirdre knew that she was beautiful, men had always told her such but she had also never really wanted any of the men who had tried to court her to win her affections. Deirdre also knew that Cuddy Byrne had become too possessive of her, of her time and the past few months, it had begun to frighten her. Then last night Byrne had come to her room and warned her not to throw herself at Adam Cartwright. He had noticed how they had looked at one another—she wasn't fooling him at all. She hadn't been interested in the other young men who pursued her-that Byrne knew, that he could see-but she seemed to fancy Adam Cartwright and he was infuriated. Nevertheless, Adam was a married man, he had reminded her, and he wouldn't stand for it. He hadn't spent all that money on her education just to have her behave like a common tramp and entice that young Cartwright into an affair. He would see that she paid if she did—and she would pay harshly and so would Adam. Byrne said that he would ruin Adam and then he had grabbed Deirdre by the arm and pulled her to him and tried to kiss her. She pulled away but he had merely laughed.

"One day…one day soon, you'll be mine. I promise you that, and if takes killing that bastard Cartwright, I'll have it done." He went to the door and then turned around and pointed his finger threateningly. "You better reconsider who you turn those blue eyes on." And then he left. Deirdre sat on the side of her bed. She hadn't done anything at dinner that night, hadn't carried on a conversation and she wondered how Byrne could pick up on her attraction to Adam Cartwright. Deirdre wondered who else sensed it, who else knew that she longed for Adam as she had never longed for anything—not food nor drink nor knowledge. He was all she wanted. And she crawled under the sheets of the bed, shaking.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Adam swung Miss Langston down from the buggy but she refused to look at him, just mumbled a thank you.

"Miss Langston," Byrne said, "let's go in. I want to go over those contracts again." He waited, stern-faced. The contracts were in Miss Langston's valise.

"You don't have to stay with him," Adam said for all to hear as he still held on to her. "I'll hire you. I could use someone to go over the books—it would free me up. I'll pay you twice what he does."

"Now you listen here…" Byrne walked around the buggy. "I don't know who you think you are but…"

"She's free to choose what she wants to do, who she wants to work for." Adam had pulled Deirdre behind him. If he and Byrne were going to have face-off, he wanted her out of the way. And then he heard Peggy.

"Adam, we're going to eat here tonight," she said as came running out of the house and then she stopped. Peggy sensed that something was wrong. She looked at the faces of the three men standing in the yard and then to Miss Langston who stood behind Adam, looking down at the dirt.

Adam let out a deep breath before he spoke to Peggy and softened his expression. "We are? Is your mother inside?" Peggy nodded yes.

"I'm here," Laura said, smiling as she stepped out on the porch. "When Joe brought Peggy home, well, I decided that we would come to the Ponderosa for dinner." Laura looked at Adam and then Mr. Byrne and Ben. "I hope no one minds," she said with a small laugh.

"Of course not," Ben said smiling. He was thanking God that she and Peggy were there to break up the tension.

"Well I put on one of my best dresses," Laura said. "I hoped that after a good day of business, everyone would be in a good mood and we could have a small party, you know, a celebration." She looked at Adam and noticed that he still stood protectively in front of Miss Langston. Laura walked over to Adam and reached up to pull him down for a kiss. "It's good to have you back from town. There's still about an hour before dinner—time for all of you to wash up. C'mon." Laura took Adam's arm but he resisted.

"Miss Langston, won't you come in now?" Adam put out his other arm and she moved toward him but stopped and glanced at Byrne.

"Yes, I will," she said but she didn't move. Adam paused, waiting for her to join him and Laura. "Please," Deirdre said, "go ahead. I'm coming."

Adam glanced at Byrne who was watching Deirdre. "All right," Adam said and he and Laura walked to the house. Peggy followed them.

Ben looked back at Byrne while Miss Langston went on ahead. He cleared his throat. "I'll see that there are fresh towels in your rooms. Please, come in—it's getting a bit chilly out here."

"Miss Langston," Byrne said as if giving orders, "let's go in. You still work for me."

"Yes, Mr. Byrne." She composed herself and walked into the house, Ben and Byrne following her. She silently crossed the threshold and then went to the stairs and Adam watched her as she took the stairs up to her room carrying her valise and then watched as Byrne followed the small, lithe figure of Miss Langston. He felt jealous rage build up inside him and he wanted more than anything to smash his fists against Byrne's jaw, to let all his pent-up jealousy and fury out by destroying Byrne with his own hands.

"You could at least take off your hat," Laura said, "and you never said how pretty I looked."

Adam directed his attention back to Laura. "Oh, I'm sorry, Laura. Of course, you look lovely."

"How about me, Adam? I have on my Sunday dress." Peggy smiled.

"Well, Peggy, you always look so very pretty that I didn't think it needed to be said." Peggy giggled and Adam glanced at Laura as he removed his hat.

"You always have the right things to say, don't you, Adam?" she practically whispered as Peggy went to where Hoss was sitting at the round table waiting for his checker partner to return. "And have you been whispering sweet nothings in Miss Langston's ear as well? Oh, I know she went with you today—I asked Joe and he told me. And what little piece if intimacy did I interrupt when I walked out of the house?"

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing, Adam. Nothing." Laura headed for the kitchen and called out, "Hop Sing, I'm coming to help with the potatoes."

Adam stood alone, his hat in his hand and Joe looked at him apologetically; he wouldn't trade places with his older brother for all the tea in China, he thought, using one of his father's favorite phrases. And for the first time, he felt sorry for Adam—but as Hoss had said, Adam had asked for what he had and many people had it worse.

Adam said practically nothing at dinner, just sat back and observed. Miss Langston still sat between Hoss and Byrne but Hoss knew something was wrong so he, other than asking her if she would like some potatoes or passing the salt or pepper, basically left her alone. Mr. Byrne paid very little attention to her, behaved as if she wasn't there but instead, flattered Laura, even flirted with her as if he wanted to rile Adam. Laura reveled in the attention, even Ben complimented her on how lovely she looked that evening. And Adam noticed that her eyes seemed to glitter with delight and she seemed more alive than usual—she was enjoying all the attention and leaving the sedately dressed Miss Langston to sit quietly.

Dessert was served but Miss Langston declined.

"Miss Langston no like cake? This special cake. Missy Laura, she say tonight a celebration so Hop Sing make special cake. It have surprise inside."

"What's the surprise, Hop Sing?" Peggy asked delightedly. She knew about Hop Sing's surprises. "Is it the coin?" The tradition was usually only for Chinese New Year but Hop Sing used it whenever there was a birthday or such. A coin was baked into the cake and whoever found the coin in their piece had good luck for the next year.

"Peggy, she know about Hop Sing's surprise. Miss Langston not want to take chance on good luck?"

"I don't believe in luck," Miss Langston said, placing her napkin on the table. "If you'll excuse me," she said to the others as she rose from her seat, "I have work to do."

The men stood as well and as she started to walk away, Adam called her name. She turned to look at him and everyone else was silent, including Hop Sing who stood holding the cake knife, the dessert plates in a stack beside it.

"You wanted to see the full moon tonight—the harvest moon. Since you're going to be working all evening, well, it's now or never. If you stand at the window of my old room—wait, I'll show you." And Adam went to her and took her elbow and guided her to the stairs and they walked up together.

No one at the table spoke—a silence fell over them all and Laura's face froze. Adam had, as far as she was concerned, insulted her—blatantly insulted her by taking that Langston woman upstairs. She tried to control her breathing.

"Hop Sing," Peggy asked, "aren't you going to cut the cake?"

"Oh, yes," Hop Sing said, returning his attention to the cake. "I give you first piece," and he set about slicing up the cake and doling out the pieces but Laura's change in demeanor was obvious and Ben noticed. But what could he say to Adam? Adam was a grown man and obviously was attracted to Miss Langston but he also had a wife and a child. Ben ate despite his turmoil but glancing at Byrne, Ben realized that of all the people at the table, Byrne was the most upset. He stabbed at his cake, piercing it through with the tines to see if the coin was hidden in his piece and he pulled it apart until his once whole piece of cake was merely crumbs mixed with frosting.

"Bah," he said and pushed his plate away and sitting back, he crossed his arms and looked at the stairs.

"You shouldn't have done that," Deirdre said when they reached the top of the stairs. "Mr. Byrne won't forgive you or me and he is dangerous, Adam. You don't seem to understand."

"Never mind him," Adam said and pulled her into his old bedroom. It had been dark for over an hour and the moon was sitting on the horizon, silver moonlight angling in. "I meant what I said. You don't have to work for Byrne—I'll take care of you, find you a place to live and pay you for your work—I really could use a bookkeeper-that's the truth. You don't need him and you don't need to be afraid of him. Not anymore—not ever again."

"Oh, Adam, you don't know what he's capable of." Deirdre clung to Adam's arms. She didn't know how she could make him understand with whom he was dealing. Then she told Adam she had lied—kept back the full truth.

"What do you mean?" Adam asked.

Deirdre turned her back to him—she couldn't bear to see his expression in case it changed from love to disgust. "Byrne ruined my father, kept him well-supplied with liquor and then he took over managing my life, making certain I became what he wanted me to be—basically his, his property, his chattel." Adam listened while Deirdre told him that when she was young, Byrne would pull her onto his lap and pinch her cheek and tell her what a pretty, little thing she was. He would give her a nickel for a kiss on his cheek and offer her candy. When she became older, he still wanted to pull her down to his lap only then he would try to kiss her mouth so when she was able to leave to go to school, she saw it as an escape. Deirdre confessed that she had also lied to Peggy when she said that she chose not to teach. She had wanted to be a teacher but Byrne wouldn't allow it; he insisted that she owed him for all he had done and that by working for him, she could repay him and now he owned her but he hadn't yet possessed her body; she said she would cut her throat before she let him.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Adam said, "none of that matters, Deirdre, because it's over," and he found that he couldn't resist her anymore. She was before him and so tantalizing that he had to indulge his need for her. He pulled Deirdre to him, held her next to him as she yielded. He kissed her, tasted her mouth and his soul sang as she eagerly responded. This was right. This was who belonged in his arms and if he had harbored any doubts earlier, now they were gone. Adam held her closely and murmured that he adored her and she kissed his neck and then pulled away, held his hands, lifted them to her lips and kissed them.

"Yes, Adam, yes. I'll stay here. I'll do what you want—I can't leave now—not now that you love me. I've waited and waited for someone like you, someone—someone who could touch me and evoke such feelings. And no man has—no man but you. I'll stay—no matter what, I'll stay. I can't imagine life without you."

Adam pressed her to him again, burying his face in her hair, and told her that he would go downstairs and tell Byrne that she was going to work for the Cartwrights, that she was staying on the Ponderosa.

"No, no," she said in desperation, pulling back to look into his face. "I'll tell him in the morning when it's time to leave. I'll tell him at breakfast."

"Tonight. He should know tonight. I don't want you to stay here with him. I'll take you back with us—you can stay in our guest room."

"Oh, Adam, I can't do that. Be reasonable. You can't ask your wife to give me sanctuary. Believe me, everything will be all right. Trust me. I'll tell him in the morning."

Adam was going to argue but he heard Hoss. "Adam, Miss Langston, you up here?"

"We're in here, Hoss." Adam pulled Deirdre to the window. He knew Hoss wouldn't be fooled by the simple pretense of looking at the moon but he had to at least try.

Hoss walked into the dark room and saw Adam and Deirdre in the light from the window. "Laura's got a headache and wants to go home. She sent me up to get you." Hoss stuck his hands in his pockets; he knew he had interrupted something intimate.

"All right," Adam said. "I hope you enjoyed the view, Miss Langston—I'll see you in the morning. I promise. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Mr. Cartwright—and thank you." She stood in the dark room with Hoss and even in the darkness, he could feel her longing for Adam and then she almost collapsed after Adam left the room.

"You okay, Miss Langston?" Hoss said, holding her up.

"Yes," she barely said. "I just…I guess I'm more tired than I thought. It was such a long day and so much happened—so much."

"Here, ma'am." Hoss said, pulling out the chair at Adam's old desk. "Sit down. You want some water or anything? Maybe a cool cloth on the back of your neck. That always helps me."

"No, no, I'll be fine." She looked into Hoss' gentle face. "So this was Adam's room?" She looked around and in the dim light, she saw his bookcase and the painting of a schooner on the wall. The rolls of parchment stood next to the desk and there were architectural tools on the desktop. She reached out and picked up a straight rule. "Have you ever had days, Hoss, certain days that when you look back on them, you realize that was the day your life changed?" She placed the straight rule back down and looked up into Hoss' sympathetic face.

"Yes, Ma'am, I've had days like that. I remember times, specific times when I done somethin' or somethin' happened to me and life after that, well, it weren't never the same after that."

"Yes," she said, "things will never be the same again after today. At least not for me." She stood up. "Thank you, Hoss, for your kindness. I need to go to my room. I have work to do and Mr. Byrne expects the paperwork completed before he retires tonight."

"Yes, ma'am. But you shouldn't have to work so late. You oughta come down and have some cake."

"I don't mind working late," she said. "It's what I'm paid for."

"Yes, Ma'am." Hoss walked her to her room and as he was about to leave her, she called to him. He turned and looked to her questioningly.

"Watch over Adam. He doesn't know what danger he's in. Please—watch over him." And as she slowly closed the door, Hoss was, by degrees, left alone in the dark hallway.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry these chapters are so long. Thanks for sticking with it.**

"They won't hear this," Byrne said and gave her the back of his hand.

A small cry escaped Deirdre and she fell backwards on the bed and then pulled herself up to a sitting position, glaring at Byrne.

"You always were spoiled—I made sure you had everything, paid for everything and this is how you repay me, by leaving me for that man. What is he going to do? Keep you as his paramour? Fill you with his children while he goes about his life as a happily married man? I won't stand for it, I tell you, I won't!"

Deirdre held her cheek, tears stinging her eyes. "This won't stop me. I'm taking the job with the Cartwrights and you don't know him at all. That's because Adam is as unlike you as the night is the day. He hasn't…even if he wants nothing to do with me—ever—I'm still staying here. I'll make a life for myself."

"Don't make me laugh," Byrne said. "I own you and you're not going to take any job with anyone else. And who do you and he think you're fooling? As I said, Adam Cartwright just wants to bed you. He can't marry you, he's already married. He just wants you as his mistress. There's no bookkeeping job. We all know what your job will be."

She pulled herself up. "Even if my job were nothing more but to spend time on my knees before him, it would be one of the most pleasant duties that I could conceive of performing—a hundred times better than working for you."

"Why you little…" Byrne raised his hand and Deirdre braced herself for another slap against her cheek but his hand dropped. "You underestimate me, Deirdre. If you believe that you can quit me and my 'employ' and stay here with him, you're a fool and I never took you for one before. I've waited all these years for you to grow up, educated you and it was worth every penny. I was willing to wait until you fell in love with me but I hadn't counted on that…that…bastard Cartwright. Adam's now my enemy—you made him that and if you cared one bit for him, you never would have encouraged him. After all, you know what happens to my enemies." Byrne turned and walked out of her room but first he picked up the paperwork that Deirdre had completed for him in case one of the Cartwrights was in the hall and saw him—he couldn't walk out empty-handed. Then he would decide what to do about the injury to his pride—he wouldn't lose Deirdre to Adam Cartwright. He had never lost to any man before in any way and this wasn't going to be the first time.

Ben had asked Laura if Peggy could stay over and he promised not to let her eat cake for breakfast. He had sensed that an argument was brewing between Adam and Laura and wanted to remove Peggy from the situation. Ben wished that he could be removed from the situation himself, after all, Byrne was in a foul mood and Miss Langston and Adam were the cause. Ben was glad that Byrne would be moving into the Palace Hotel tomorrow to wait for the early coach the following day. Byrne stated to Ben that Miss Langston would be going as well—despite Adam's job offer.

Laura had agreed that Peggy could stay and Peggy was ecstatic—Hop Sing said that he would pack the last slice of cake for her lunch for school—the lucky coin hadn't been found yet. Adam winked at Peggy and she giggled at the idea that she would be the recipient of the lucky coin.

"I'll be by to take her to school—keep the coffee hot." Adam said and then he had turned to Byrne and coldly said goodnight. Byrne merely nodded. He knew why Adam was coming by—it was to collect Miss Langston, to take her away and Byrne was determined that she wouldn't leave with anyone but him.

"Laura, we have to talk about our situation and it may as well be now." Adam was leaning forward as he drove the buggy.

Laura slipped her arm through his. "Please, Adam-nothing serious tonight. Please. I have a secret—I don't really have a headache; I just wanted to go home with you and I'm glad that Peggy stayed behind. We can be alone, sweetheart."

"What's brought all this on?" Adam was puzzled. He was sure that Laura would be cold after what had happened, after he spirited Miss Langston upstairs. Laura wasn't a stupid woman; she must have known what was going on between him and Deirdre.

"Nothing. I thought about the things you said last night and, well, you're right. I should be more obliging to you. After all, you work so hard to give me and Peggy a good home and you're honest and good and I don't appreciate you enough." She held on to his arm with both hands and leaned her head against it. She was desperate; for the first time since she had begun a relationship with Adam, she feared losing him.

Adam glanced at her. Laura sat placidly beside him, clinging to him, but he knew she was angry—he could sense it. But if she had truly changed, Adam thought, well, things could be different. But then he thought about Deirdre and her eager mouth, hungry for him and he felt like a cad. He shouldn't have kissed her, shouldn't have allowed himself to be alone with her—shouldn't have become intimate with her at the lake. Joe was right—he was asking for trouble but he still was going to hire her. He couldn't leave Deirdre with Byrne and if she quit Byrne's employ on her own without his support, she would have nothing to fall back on, no way to support herself. He had to tell Laura and then he would know what to do. But Deirdre—his heart yearned for her—his body craved her touch, the feel of her skin against his, the sound of her voice. Adam knew he had fallen in love with Deirdre but he also had to think of everyone involved, not just himself.

"I'm hiring Miss Langston."

Laura sat up and looked at him, surprised. "You're doing what?"

"I offered her a job as bookkeeper and she accepted. She'll start tomorrow. I invited her to stay with us tonight, to get her away from Byrne, but she declined." Adam felt a surge of relief now that he had said it. The truth—at least part of the truth was out. Suddenly he felt as if he could breathe again. The crisp night air filled his lungs. He could love Deirdre and she could love him. He would tell Laura that he was in love with Deirdre and that she returned his affection.

"Why?" Laura sternly asked.

"Why did I hire her?"

"All right, we'll start with that."

"Byrne is a bully and I felt she would be happier working for the Ponderosa. She agreed."

"And that's the only reason?"

"What do you want me to say, Laura?"

"Do you think you fooled anyone with that excuse about looking at the moon? Do you? Why I was humiliated sitting down there while you were upstairs with her. I finally had to fake a headache just to get you back downstairs when you belonged. You wanted to be alone with her. Are you having an affair with her? Do you love her? Do you think I was fooled? "

"No, I suppose I didn't fool you or anyone else."

Laura's chest heaved with anger. "I knew it. I saw it from the first time you met her the other night. You want her, don't you? I thought that if I dressed up and was flirtatious that you would come to your senses and put Miss Langston out of your mind but…damn her and damn you, Adam Cartwright."

Adam looked at Laura with surprise; he had never heard her curse.

"How could you want another woman? I was going to let you have your way with me tonight but not anymore." Laura moved to the far side of the buggy seat. Her mind was in turmoil; she felt the same as she had when she discovered that Frank had been unfaithful. All the feelings she had experienced then came rushing back. Then Laura had a thought.

"Adam?" He looked at her. "Do you love her?"

"Laura, I wish you wouldn't ask me that."

"I suppose that's your answer. You do. And I suppose that she's willing to do with you the things that I won't." And Laura looked out into the darkness of the passing trees and then up at the harvest moon, full and white—it was the same moon that Adam and Miss Langston had viewed together. Laura hoped that Miss Langston would just be blotted out the way the clouds did the moon as they passed over the orb. What would she do if Adam left her for Deirdre? Laura knew she had to think of another strategy to win back Adam. She had to. Too much was at stake.

Adam had taken Peggy to school and then stopped back by the Ponderosa. Deirdre was sitting on the porch in a simple jacket, shirtwaist and skirt, her hands folded in her lap. She stood up as Adam drove the small two-seater into the yard. He leapt down and went to her, taking her small hands in his. He lifted them to his mouth and kissed them. She smiled gently up at him and he lightly kissed her mouth.

"What did Byrne say?" Adam asked and then he looked at her closer. He reached out and tilted up her chin. "What happened? Did he hit you?" he asked looking at a swollen spot on her lip.

"It doesn't matter." She smiled up at him. "Oh, Adam—nothing matters but you."

"Did he hit you when you told him?"

"Yes." Adam dropped her hands and Deidre grabbed at his jacket sleeve as he moved toward the door. "Please—let things be. Even after I told him last night, he thought I was still leaving with him but I told him again this morning that I was staying, that I was going to work for the Ponderosa—had accepted your offer." Deidre gave an odd laugh. "I don't know who was more surprised that I told him again this morning—your father, him or me. I couldn't believe that I told him, that I had so solidly made up my mind—I was brave with him last night when I told him but my knees were shaking, and then this morning-I was so afraid. Oh, Adam" she said, holding on to him, "I'm such a coward. Please don't desert me. Please. I have nothing if you do."

Adam held her face in his hands. "Oh, Deirdre, I would never desert you—don't ever worry about that. Oh, Deirdre, I love you." He took her in his arms and kissed her and gloried in it. He heard the door open behind him but didn't release her—it was Deirdre who pulled away; if he didn't care what others thought, she still did.

Ben coughed and cleared his throat. Deirdre stepped back and looked down but Adam stared straight at Byrne who followed Ben out the door.

"Mr. Byrne is leaving for town," Ben said. "He's going to be staying at the Palace Hotel until tomorrow."

"Well, enjoy your trip back east," Adam said.

Byrne ignored Adam but stared at Deirdre's lowered head. Then she looked up and met Byrne's eyes. "It's not too late for you to change your mind," he told her. "I would welcome you back."

"No. I'm going to stay—but thank you."

Byrne gave a cruel laugh and looked from Adam to Deirdre and back again and this time he spoke just to her. "Remember what I told you. Just remember." And Byrne walked to the buckboard that Hoss had brought out of the barn. Hoss put Byrne's luggage in the back and then climbed up to the seat, snapped the reins on the horses' backs and left for town. Byrne never looked back.

"Miss Langston," Ben said politely, "may I speak with Adam alone?"

She left them on the porch and Adam faced his father.

"What are you thinking, Adam? You can't just hire Miss Langston away from Byrne. Their relationship is apparently more than…"

"Well, I just did, didn't I? As of this morning, Miss Langston is on the payroll. Don't worry, Pa, I'll pay her out of my own money." Adam waited for his father to decry his decision, to tell him he was being reckless and foolish.

"Adam, where is she going to stay and what about Laura?"

"I was hoping she could stay here until Byrne has been gone a few days—I think he might harm her—they have an unusual history. Just trust me, Pa, and keep her safe-please. Then, after he's gone I'll find a place for her—a safe place. And as for Laura, well, we have issues to resolve on our own."

"Laura is your wife and she's not stupid. Surely she can see what all of us can see?"

"And what's that, Pa? What is it that everyone can see? That I find Miss Langston lovely and intriguing and that I would roll over and do tricks like a desperate dog just to get a smile from her? Well, I would but I don't have to. She loves me, Pa, and I've been so lonely in my marriage to Laura that I see Deirdre as my last chance to find some happiness before I die—even if that's tomorrow—she's already given me happiness and I want her, to make a life with her. Pa, I'm over halfway. Can't you understand? I can't live the rest of my life in a passionless marriage—I can't. Not when there's someone like Deirdre who can save me."

Ben sighed and dug his hands in his pockets. "Adam, I'd like to support you in this, but I can't. I'm assuming you're talking divorce. That's a dirty business, Adam, but I don't suppose that you're the type to maintain a marriage and keep a mistress."

Adam gave a sardonic chuckle. "No, Pa. Do you see that as a better choice—that I deceive Laura and keep Deirdre on the side? I have too much respect for both of them to do that. I want to marry Deirdre and I don't need your support or understanding. All I need is for you to be kind to her—don't blame Deirdre-allow her to stay for a few days. Please, keep her safe."

"All right, Adam I have nothing against her and if things are as serious with Byrne as you said, if he's as dangerous as you think, well then of course, I'll give Miss Langston the protection of the Ponderosa."

"Thank you, Pa. Now I want to see her," and Adam went into the house. Ben dropped down in the rocking chair on the porch. He didn't understand all that was happening but knew that this was Adam's life and if there were any consequences, Adam would have to face them. Ben always wanted to protect his sons from pain and danger but Adam had always been so determined and single-minded his whole life that Ben had never been able to guide him. Adam had to learn not to spit in the wind himself.

Adam pulled the buggy into his yard. He would take the buckboard that was already loaded with supplies and mark the trees for cutting. Despite how he felt about Byrne, there was a contract to fulfill.

"Adam?" Laura came out of the house. "Don't unhitch the horse-please. I need to go into town. I'll bring Peggy home from school as well. I guess that you'll be busy—you and your father."

"Yeah, I'll be out marking trees on the north ridge; I'll get no help from Joe—he's at the mine today and Pa and Hoss are going out to the mill. Why all the interest?"

"It's not any particular interest, I just…what about Miss Langston. Is she staying?"

"Yes. I told you I hired her."

"Where is she going to stay until she has her own place? Not here, I hope."

"She's staying at the Ponderosa—at least for the next few days."

"Has Mr. Byrne left then?"

"Yes, he went to stay in the hotel. Why?"

Laura lifted her chin. "I suppose that now Miss Langston is all yours, isn't she?"

"Laura, we need to talk about our marriage—what's left of it but I don't have the time right now. Tonight, well, tonight we need to get things straight between us and talk about Peggy. I can't continue in this sham anymore."

"You love Miss Langston, don't you?"

"Yes," he said quietly.

Laura and Adam remained silent for a few moments, avoiding each other's gaze.

"Just leave the buggy hitched, would you?" Adam was surprised that was all she said. The Laura he knew would have cried, would have accused him of being unfeeling and cruel and he had slight hope that separating from her and eventually divorcing would be easier than he feared but his gut told him otherwise. Adam said that he would leave the buggy hitched and Laura went into the house and closed the door. She sat heavily on the sofa in the parlor. She could hear noises that indicated Adam had left in the buckboard. Laura went over to Adam's desk and opened a drawer, removing something and closing her fist around it then she went upstairs to change clothes for her trip to town. She would go to the dress shop. She had a new dress to pick up-a beautiful light blue organza silk that made her look lovely-at least according to the shop keeper, and she also intended to purchase some new lingerie; she wasn't going to give up so easily—Adam hadn't yet left her.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Adam stood up and stretched his back. He looked at the sky and estimated that it was about 4:00 in the afternoon. Peggy should be getting out of school about now and Laura said that she was going to bring her home. Adam knew he would have to wait until Peggy was in bed before he could talk to Laura and he also wanted to stop by the Ponderosa and see Deirdre. She hadn't left his mind all day and Adam found himself, despite all the mess of disentangling himself from Laura, truly happy for the first time in years and looking forward to the future. He smiled to himself at the thought of seeing Deirdre and how she would smile at him and open her arms to welcome him. All that he had gone through so far was worth that, worth the look on her face, worth her small arms around his neck and her supple body pressed next to him.

"Oh, Deirdre," he groaned, "I need you." And then he laughed at himself for talking to the air and the sky and the tall trees that stood around him.

Adam looked at the pines he had marked for cutting, making the slash on the trunks with the white paint. The loggers would then know which trees to cut. Adam figured that he must have covered a good square half- mile of standing pines. He decided that tomorrow he would mark only the rest that he could judge by eye—the day after that, he would measure any about which he was unsure and finish up.

He heard riders approaching and what sounded like a buggy. The riders were probably his brothers and father but the buggy? It might be Laura. But then she wouldn't be home yet and why would she come all this way just to tell him that? If there was trouble, she would go to the Ponderosa if she needed anything since it was closer. But then Adam remembered that his father had gone to the mill and that today was Hop Sing's day to go to the Chinese market. Hop Sing usually made a whole day of it, visiting relatives and even indulging in a little gambling if a game was in progress. Suddenly Adam felt like a dog with its hackles up—he sensed something was wrong. He headed to the buckboard which he had parked a good twenty yards from where he stood, to retrieve his gun belt which he had coiled and placed in the bed but as he hurried toward it, he felt a rope land around his neck and then tighten, cutting off his breath, pulling under his jaw so tightly that he even felt pain in his ears, and he was pulled over on his back and toward the riders who had dismounted. He struggled trying to loosen the noose for that's what the lariat was functioning as, and he heard men's laughter. As he struggled with the suffocating rope, two men suddenly grabbed him up and held him while his hands were tied by another man and he was gagged, compelling him to silence. Adam had never seen any of the men before but he knew they intended to hang him; that much was obvious.

The rope finally eased a bit as some slack was given to the knot and although Adam still had to breathe shallowly, he was able to get some air into his lungs. The other end of the rope was thrown twice over a lower branch of one of the trees and one of the men tied the other end to the saddle horn of one of their horses. And then Adam saw the buggy, a two-wheeled trap with the bonnet up. Byrne was driving, grinning, and beside him sat a terrified Deirdre.

"Well, there he is," Byrne said to Deirdre as he held the reins. "Your Adam Cartwright doesn't look so all-mighty with a rope around his neck, and a gag in his mouth, does he?" Deirdre tried to leap down from the buggy but Byrne grabbed her and threw her back against the leather seat. "Oh, no, my dear—you can't go to him, comfort him—it's too late now. So, Deirdre, the time has come for you to make a decision. You either come back with me—freely-and be my mistress or he hangs right here."

She looked at Byrne, her eyes wide with fear. "What?" she said.

"Why do you think I came for you, Deirdre, just to travel the countryside? Did you think that I was just going to kidnap you and take you away like the rape of the Sabine women? Why if I did that, Cartwright here, would just come after you or you'd tell the law. I want you to come willingly-if that's your choice, that is. And I want Adam to hear your decision so he'll know that you have come with me freely. If not—well, if he dies, it's by your own so very lovely hand, so to speak, and he should know that you traded his death for your own freedom. Now choose, Deirdre, choose."

"You call this a choice?" She asked, dazed at the magnitude of her decision. "This? What can I do? I have no choice—I have none—none." She looked at Adam and he watched her gentle blue eyes fill with tears that wet her pale cheeks. She made no effort to wipe them away. She shivered in the cold air. Then she laughed and the sound sent chills down Adam's spine. "So this is how my love story ends—this is how all the happiness I had hoped for evaporates like a mist." And she laughed again as if she was mad, had lost her senses.

Byrne shook her and Deirdre came back to herself. "My choice," she hissed, "you want to know my choice? My choice is to give myself to you. Spare him. It's not his fault that I love him—I renounce him and choose you, freely. You needn't worry. I won't go to the law. Just let Adam go—let him go. My life for his."

Adam shook his head violently to indicate no, that she should tell Byrne no, she wouldn't go with him. Adam would gladly give his life rather than have Deirdre in Byrne's bed for the rest of her years or until he tired of her and abandoned her. Adam couldn't bear to think of the suffering Deirdre would go through at Byrne's hands, what humiliation he would rain on her since she had so openly rejected him and chosen Adam. Deirdre had chosen him over Byrne, thereby humiliating him and Adam knew that Byrne would punish her for that—punish her horribly—make certain she never even dared to glance on another man again.

"Tell me, Deirdre," Byrne said, "do you come with me willingly? Swear it. Remember, you can't fool me, Deirdre. If there is any betrayal, Adam will die—sooner or later—he will die. Maybe he'll be slowly hanged when the time comes. Can you imagine? No merciful snapping of the neck, just a slow asphyxiation, his head burning with fear until slowly, ever so slowly, he dies. But he would struggle the whole time. He'd kick his feet—we call it dancing at the end of a rope." Byrne laughed at Deirdre's tears and her horrified look as she stared at him. The other men chuckled as they stood, waiting, They were strangers passing through town, men Byrne had found in the saloon, men who would do just about anything for ten dollars and since it meant killing one of those rich and uppity Cartwrights who owned just about everything in this part of the world, one man said he'd help hang Adam Cartwright for free.

"I'll go with you," Deirdre said. "Now let Adam go."

"Of your free will?"

"Yes," she said, raising her voice and gathering herself as if she was going into battle. "Of my free will, I'll go with you."

"Did you hear that, Cartwright?" Byrne jumped down from the buggy seat and walked over to Adam. One of the men knocked Adam to his knees, causing his head to jerk up when the rope went taut, and Deirdre gave a small cry. Byrne bent down to laugh in Adam's face. "She chose me. Oh, now, you might be thinking that she chose me only to save you and you're right, but that doesn't matter. I'll be enjoying that white flesh of hers, her mouth, her firm thighs and you, you can only imagine such things. She's mine, Cartwright, mine to do with as I please, to treat howsoever I please and keep this in mind too—she is going to have to pay dearly for her disloyalty to me—dearly and with quite a bit of pain, I'm afraid." Byrne laughed at Adam's impotence to do anything; the rope was so tight about his neck that he could barely swallow and the pain radiated up through his throat and down into his shoulders.

Byrne laughed heartily and climbed back into the buggy. As Adam helplessly watched, Byrne reached for Deirdre and pulled her to him and kissed her on the mouth as his other hand caressed her, squeezed her firm flesh and she initially struggled slightly but then just surrendered and impassively allowed it. Byrne smiled at Adam as if over some victory, and Deirdre reached up and wiped her mouth hoping that Byrne wouldn't notice. But she wouldn't look at Adam, was afraid to lest Byrne become angry and have Adam hauled up to his feet and the horse slapped to action.

The buggy turned and Adam watched it leave carrying Deirdre away from him. "Deirdre of the Sorrows;" the epithet ran through his head.

"Byrne said to go ahead and hang him after he's gone," one of the men said to the other two as they lifted and forced Adam to sit the horse.

"Yeah, but I don't know," the shortest of the three said. "Seems kind of dirty now."

"Yeah," the other one said. "And wasn't the whole point to have her watch him hang? I mean that was what he told me he wanted, for her to see him die."

The shortest man spoke up again. "He told me when we were at that Ponderosa and you two went in for the woman, that he was going to bring her back to see Cartwright hanging here after he did his dirty business with her. He thought it was funny. He said he was sure that she'd want to save Cartwright and then she'd allow him to do what he wanted with her and that the whole time, Cartwright here was dead. She'd see it after he was through with her."

Adam listened to the three men trying to decide whether to hang him or not. But at least if they did, Adam considered, at least Deirdre wouldn't have to watch, wouldn't have to see his lips turn blue, watch as his body struggled against death and his bowels and bladder emptied. She would be spared that image.

"Look, Byrne paid us and we need to follow orders. I don't want to be the one to cross that man. Do you? I mean after what he told me he was going to do to her—well, he's a sadistic bastard."

"No, I guess not," the shortest one said. "But I'm leaving. You two finish it off. And be careful. You don't know who saw you, saw us talking to Byrne. I'm going." The man mounted his horse and rode off.

"You do it," one man said to the other one.

"No, we do it together. If we're caught, you can't put it all on me. You stand on that side and I'll stand here and when I say now, we both slap the horse."

Adam could hear but couldn't see the slap on the horse's rump and he was roughly, jerkily lifted by the rope which tightened around his neck as the horse left him behind. He felt the pressure behind his eyes as he tried to drag air into his lungs and couldn't; his chest thumped, pounded and then he saw flashing lights and finally all went black.

Adam felt a roughness under his cheek. He moved his head and realized that it was a stick against his cheek. He rolled over on his back. He looked up at the tree tops and saw the sky; it was early evening and then he remembered. He didn't know exactly why he wasn't dead but his throat ached and it hurt to swallow.

He realized that the men must have let him down before he was dead. They may have thought he was, but since they could have just left him swaying, being cowards and wanting away quickly, they had probably lost their nerve and cut him down. And then Adam remembered Deirdre and Byrne. Adam was determined to go after her. He couldn't leave Deirdre to Byrne and Byrne had wanted him dead, had set him up to be killed. But first, before personal revenge, Adam had to find Deirdre.

By rubbing his cheek against the ground to lower the gag and then push it out of his mouth with his tongue, he could finally breathe with his mouth open and clear his head which ached—the blood pulsed behind his eyes. He waited and then began to work on the ropes around his wrists. At least his ankles weren't tied so he managed to stand up by first rising to his knees and then stumbling over to the buckboard where he could rub the ropes on the metal bracing of the corners and possibly break free. He had to. He had to go for Deirdre. And he had to kill Byrne.

Ben saw what he thought was a buckboard in the distance as it stood out on the flatland of the terrain and he was certain it was Adam. It was almost dark but he was certain. Adam was driving the team as quickly as the horses could go over the rough terrain and sometimes it looked as if the buckboard would topple on its side.

"There he is, Pa," Hoss said. "He's headin' for town. Think he knows Miss Langston is gone?"

"By the looks of things, I'd say so. Let's go, Hoss." Ben and Hoss spurred their horses on, desperately trying to catch Adam.

"I'm telling you, Sheriff, I don't like it." The desk clerk of the Palace Hotel stood in Sheriff Coffee's office.

"It's not against the law, Samuel. What do you want me to do?"

"But they're unmarried and fornication is against the law!"

"Am I supposed to break into their room and catch them in the act and slap handcuffs on them? Besides didn't you say that she works for him and that he also booked her a room? What do you expect from me?"

"Look Roy," the desk clerk said, "I run a clean hotel and I won't brook any of this. I've tried to talk to Mr. Byrne now that the room has been quiet for a while but he won't answer the door."

"Maybe he and his secretary are in her room," Roy suggested.

"Granted, Byrne registered her in a separate room but people in the neighboring rooms to his have been complaining about the sounds from Byrne's room. I tell you, Roy, there's fornication going on in that room. Why he even had champagne and oysters sent up. Now, you don't order that if you're just going about business as usual. And…the woman in the next room said that she heard a woman crying as if, well, as if she was in pain or hurt. I'm telling you Roy, there's something perverse going on in the room and you are the law. "

"Well, they might be celebratin' and that's the noise. Ben told me a few days ago that he was expectin' that Byrne to arrive—he's an important customer. They probably just closed a good deal but I guess that doesn't explain any crying…"

"She has no luggage and she's not in her room—I checked. And she was crying, that's what the woman said." The clerk stared at Sheriff Coffee. "Roy, if you don't do something about this…"

"Don't worry, Samuel. Let's go give Mr. Byrne and his secretary a visit. I haven't yet made an ass of myself today and the day's almost over so I guess it's about time." Roy picked his hat up off his desk and slapped it on his head.

Roy followed Samuel across the street and a few doors up until they reached the Palace Hotel. There were a few people in the lobby and Roy tipped his hat, trying to give the appearance that nothing out of the usual was occurring. He followed the desk clerk up the stairs and the clerk knocked on the door of Byrne's room. There was no answer. He knocked again and called out that it was the desk clerk to clear away the dishes. Silence was the only reply.

Roy felt a chill come over him. "Open the door, Samuel." Roy unhooked the trigger loop on his holster and placed his hand on the gun handle. The clerk found the room key on his key ring, unlocked the door and pushed it open.

"Holy Mother of God," Samuel said as he stared at the scene on the bed. He couldn't move or look away.

"Oh, Jesus," Roy said. "Go get Paul Martin right away, and close the door behind you. Go, Sam—now."

The clerk did as he was told and ran down the stairs causing the people in the lobby to look at one another questioningly. And in the hotel room, Roy shook his head in disbelief and in despair. "Lord help us all," Roy said. He walked into the adjoining bathroom. "Oh, hell," he said. Of all he had seen in his 50 odd years, first as a soldier in the cavalry fighting the Apache, and then as a sheriff, this was one of the most disturbing scenes he had ever had the misfortune to come across and he knew that he would see that lovely, gentle face rise up before him for a long time afterwards.

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Adam jumped down from the buckboard when he reached the Palace Hotel. Hoss and Ben barely waited for their horses to stop before they were off and following Adam.

They had caught up with him while still on the Ponderosa and in the darkness, Hoss and Ben didn't notice the rope marks on his neck and under his jaw and how the corners of his mouth were raw from the gag as if he'd worn a horse bit, but now that they were in the light cast by the windows of the hotel, they were shocked.

"Damn, Adam," Hoss said, "you didn't say nothin' 'bout yourself."

"It doesn't matter," he said and kept going. He barely noticed the aching sensation in his neck and the throbbing pain in his head.

The three went into the lobby of the hotel that was packed with people, all buzzing about what had happened upstairs, and Clem stepped toward the three Cartwrights. Roy had told him to keep everyone downstairs and from the determined look on Adam's face, Clem knew there was going to be trouble. "Now just hold on here." Clem put out his hand to stop Adam but Adam shoved his arm aside and continued to the desk.

"Where's Byrne, Sam? Where is he?" Adam asked the desk clerk.

Sam was flustered and then answered, "Dead. He's dead."

Adam was stunned. He didn't even know what to conjecture from that piece of information. He turned and looked at his father and then turned back and asked more quietly, "Miss Langston—is she here?"

The desk clerk looked to Clem and Ben Cartwright and then said, "She's at Doc's."

Adam sighed in relief and leaned on the counter as if his legs could no longer support him. He had been distraught all the way to town. When his father and Hoss had caught up to him, he had stopped the buckboard, but only long enough to find out what had happened, how did Byrne get Deirdre out of the Ponderosa? His father had promised to keep her safe.

"Joe and I shuttered the house and locked them all—we even apologized to her that the inside of the house was almost like night with all the shutters closed but Deirdre said that she would stay in her room. We locked the kitchen door and the front door behind us—and I still have the key in my pocket and Deirdre had one in case she needed to get out, but when we got home, Hoss and I found the front door open. It was unlocked, the inside key on the floor. The door wasn't broken in and the shutters were still intact. Deirdre must have let Byrne in. I can't see any other way for anyone to have taken her—if she was taken. Maybe she went willingly, Adam."

And Adam had cursed and said that he had to find her; Byrne had promised to hurt her and he couldn't allow it. It had been at least two hours since he had seen her in the buggy with Byrne and the expression on her face, her desolation, her tears, were all burned in his brain. Adam wouldn't talk anymore; he slapped the reins and the horses began to run as Adam recklessly covered as much ground as he could to get to Deirdre. He had to get to her so he hurried to the doctor's office at the edge of town.

Clem followed him out and motioned for Ben to follow as well.

"Hoss, you stay here," Ben said. "I think it's going to be bad." Ben was at the door of the hotel, about to step out on the walkway when he heard Roy Coffee call his name. He turned and Roy stood on the stairs. "Ben, I think you need to come up. There's something for you—I don't know quite what it means and I'm countin' on you to explain what the hell's been goin' on."

Adam stared at her body covered with the white sheet that was pulled up over her breasts but left her throat and shoulders exposed. Her blue eyes, as blue as Lake Tahoe, stared blankly and her parted lips were blue-gray. Her thick, auburn hair was unbound and lay around her head like a nimbus, the water having made the strands curl into wet ringlets. She looked like a drowned mermaid, a fairy tale creature who been taken from her element and forced to live among cruel, greedy humans and then, when she desired to return to her element, had lost the innocence and the ability to do so, tainted by living with humans and was swallowed up and killed by that which she once relied on to exist.

"She drowned herself in the hotel bathtub," Paul said. "I can only imagine how much determination it takes to force oneself to drown."

"He drowned her," Adam said. "That bastard drowned her. Look at the marks on her." Adam looked at small bruises on Deirdre's shoulders and he started to pull down the sheet to look at her, to see the further pain inflicted by Byrne but Paul Martin stayed his hand.

"No, Adam. That's from…Byrne didn't drown her. He was dead first. Let me finish my work here, Adam. Besides, you really don't want to know what he did."

Adam turned and looked at Paul—he couldn't believe that she was dead, that beautiful Deirdre with the sweet mouth, the lively blue eyes, the woman he was going to give up everything for was dead. "He must have killed her," Adam stated, looking back at Deirdre. Her skin was almost translucent.

"No. At least not directly. That I can swear to."

Adam put one hand on her face, caressed her cheek, stroked her wet hair, and then bent and kissed the parted lips but they were cold. "Deirdre…" and he couldn't speak anymore. There were no words to express the depth of his sorrow.

Hoss followed his father up to the hotel room. People, other patrons were gathered in the hall.

"I just knew it," one woman said to a man. "I told that clerk that something was going on in that room and it was."

Roy Coffee told the people to back away and then he opened the door and Ben and Hoss walked it. Ben stopped and stared at Byrne's body on the bed. It hadn't yet been moved since Dr. Martin hadn't yet finished his examination of the murder scene.

"What the hell…?" Ben turned to Roy and then turned back to the bed. Cuddy Byrne lay naked on the bed, a bloody sheet partially thrown over him and a champagne flute protruding from one eye as if waiting to have the bowl filled.

Roy walked up to Ben. "Looks like that Miss Langston broke of the foot of the glass and then stabbed him in the eye with the stem. Doc said that it went into his brain— killed him instantly. Doc figures that he was asleep when it happened and then she, well, she kinda used the bottle, broke it off and ground it in his groin. I guess she hated him that much." Roy handed a folded piece of paper to Ben with his name on the outside. "It's for you. Miss Langston wrote it before she drowned herself."

"Drowned herself?"

"Yeah. Doc Martin's got her in his surgery. Now you tell me what all this means."

Ben unfolded the paper and Hoss stepped up and looked over his father's shoulders but he couldn't make out much except that it seemed to be about another Deirdre.

"Mr. Cartwright,

Conchobar killed her lover, the raven-haired Naoise, and unable to live with the knowledge, Deirdre drowned herself. Naoise died for love of her and she for him—and hate for Conchobar.

I loved Adam and he loved me—I am so sorry for what I have caused. There is a fate worse than death.

Deirdre of the Sorrows"

Adam had pulled the chair so that he could sit in front of the bedroom window and look out at the sky and he noticed a goshawk circling above the pines. Adam thought that he would have died when Deirdre had—wished that he had been hanged to death instead of having to go on and live with what had happened, to live without her and to exist with the pain that felt like a knife to the heart. It was all so useless—so useless.

His father had given him Deirdre's note and Adam had read it many times over. He had run his fingers over the elegantly formed letters and although his father had asked him to explain the cryptic message, he wouldn't. He never said no, he just said nothing. But then Ben had found a book of myths in the town's Library—Mrs. Crofton, the librarian was familiar with the Irish names in the myth and had located the book. Ben had sat and read the myth of "Deirdre of the Sorrows" and put the story together; Adam and Deirdre were in love, that he knew but he conjectured that in the note, Adam was Naoise, Deirdre's lover, and Cuddy Byrne was Conchobar. Deirdre was Deirdre, the unhappy woman who took her life rather than spend it with the man who had killed Naoise; Deirdre believed Byrne had hanged Adam.

The shortest of the three men had come back into town and told the story to Roy Coffee. He didn't know the other two men, the two men who hanged Adam Cartwright, he said, but he wanted to be certain that he wasn't hunted down for it. He was relieved when he found that Adam Cartwright hadn't died. He also told Roy about how Byrne had gone for the woman, a beauty she was, and that two of them had dragged her out to the buggy and led to where they were to hang Adam Cartwright. He was going to tell the woman later, Byrne had said, that Adam Cartwright—or as he put it—her lover, was dead, hanged by the neck. And then Byrne said that he was going to make her go see the body as the crows began to feast on the corpse.

Adam hadn't yet been able to fully comprehend all that had happened; it was as if his brain couldn't accept it all. So he sat, numb, unable to do anything or feel anything. Even at the quick burial, Adam had felt that it wasn't Deirdre that was under all the soil heaped over the coffin. No, not her, not Deirdre.

"Adam?"

He turned and Laura stood in the doorway in a traveling suit.

"Joe's here and Peggy and I are ready to go. I know you already said goodbye to us but I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I'll wire you when we get to Aunt Lil's."

Adam stood up and nodded. "Yes. I hope you and Peggy have a safe trip." He walked over and kissed Laura on the cheek. "Hiram will draw up the papers and there will be a settlement for you and Peggy. I'll make certain you have what you need. Oh, and I'm going to set up a trust for Peggy—when she hits twenty, she can do what she likes with the money."

"Thank you, Adam. You're better to us-to me, than I deserve."

"No, Laura. I was the one who fell in love with another—I breached the sanctity of our vows, of our marriage. It's my fault."

Laura turned to leave but stopped. She paused with her back to Adam but turned back around. She hesitated to speak.

"What is it Laura?"

Laura took a deep sigh and settled herself but her voice was shaky. "I gave Byrne our key to the Ponderosa."

Adam looked at her as if she had spoken gibberish. "What did you say?"

"That day I went into town, I gave him the key. I went to his hotel and told him that Miss Langston was alone and then I gave him the key. He asked me where you were and I told him you were marking trees on the north ridge. I didn't know—I didn't imagine-I thought he would just take her away, you know, that they would leave and go back east and then things would be all right, that with a new dress and some new lingerie, well, I had planned to win you back, to have you want me again. I didn't know that all this would happen." She began to cry. "I don't expect you to ever forgive me but I had to tell you—I've had no peace. I'm so sorry, Adam. I'm so sorry." Laura, turned and ran down the stairs, crying, and out the front door to the waiting buggy.

Adam was too stunned to move, too stunned to even comprehend the magnitude of the tragedy that had been put into motion the moment he fell in love with Deirdre. Everything that Adam hadn't been able to feel, all the sorrow, all the despair came back to him and he realized that he was the one responsible for Deirdre's death by loving her. He had sealed her fate by giving her his heart and by winning hers. "Oh, Deirdre, Deirdre, forgive me. Forgive me." Adam staggered to the chair and sat down looking out at the horizon not knowing what the future would hold, just knowing that Deirdre wasn't in it, wasn't anywhere but in his heart. And he grieved.

~ Finis ~


End file.
